Little Girl Gone

Gone are the days

of bedtime stories and 

being tucked in. 

No longer the little girl with 

the curls in your hair

and a doll in tow. 

The chubby cheeks and 

mommy cuddles

are no more. 

No more tea parties and

princess dress up. 

Kindergarten 

moved into elementary school

which jumped into

middle school and suddenly

the days of boys

and college loomed ahead. 

The sweet innocence of 

yesterday passed 

and the 

girl I see is no longer

a child

reaching out to hold 

my hand, 

but a young lady 

who has captured my heart

many times over. 

Whose smile 

brightens my day and 

whose grumpy 

butt moments make 

me smile inside. 

The little girl with the 

princess curls 

and barbie doll

glasses 

has grown into 

a beautiful young lady

with purple in her hair, 

quirky thoughts

intelligence 

and a love for 

all things 

Dr. Who. 

The little girl may be 

gone, 

yet her hold on 

my heart 

Will forever stay. 

A Letter to my Younger Self - #livefreeThursday

Dear Elle,

There are so many things that I could tell you, but that would take forever. What I want you to know as a girl getting ready to begin her life in a new place, is that it was all worth it. There will come a moment when you look back and wonder if the decision to marry that man was worth the heartache that it will inevitably cause you, and I can tell you that it is.

I desperately wish I could wipe away those tears I know you will cry that no one ever sees. I wish I could tell you to hold on to those memories that made you smile, because it was not all bad. Oh how I I wish I could warn you before the storm causes havoc and destroys all that you have built.

It was all worth the heartache it caused.

I wish with all my heart, I could tell you not to push God away, He didn't end your marriage, worldly views did. The woman you will become after the mess is cleaned up, is worth every tear cried, every worry felt and every moment you didn't give up. I know you pushed and you fought to keep God at bay, even knowing how badly you need Him in your life.

If I could, I would tell you that it was all pointless, as you do come back and cling to your beliefs with everything in you. He becomes the center of your life, and as a result you begin to change. Yes there are things before that moment you said, "I do", that I would have liked to talk to you about, but none more important that one single moment, when you considered, in front of all those people, turning back down the aisle and never looking back. I know there comes a time at the end, where you wish you had done just that.

Let me remind you, if I could, your world would be missing 3 of the best things you gained from that marriage. Yes, K would still be here, but A, S & little M, would have never made their mark on your heart and in your life. The struggle you faced and even the ones you face in my world today, are nothing compared to what not having them would be like. This marriage that failed, is worth everything you went through for these 4 amazing people.

Divorce, sweet child, will not end you, as you thought it would. Divorce, will not be your label, nor will it define you. What you learn about yourself through this process, is worth the pain of getting divorced. Your walk and relationship with God has grown immensely. I will not tell you this is the end of heartache in your life, but none have changed you as much as this one will, though there will be one, and he will be so very important in your walk with God. Even when he is gone, you will cling to God, and hold on to His word.

There is so much more I could tell you, but at this moment, where I am now, this season of your life, is the most profound and saying, "I do", when you wanted nothing more than to say, "I don't" will be the best choice you ever made. If I could go back for a minute on the special day, I would tell you that even though in that moment you wanted to run and you didn't want to go through with, I do, you do realize one day, that you love this man more than you ever thought you could. Before the anger, the hurt and the tears, you will know that you love this guy you married, which is why then end will hurt. There is a God, sweet one, who through it all and even though you pushed Him away, will see you through every step of the way.

xoxoxo,

Elle.....a version of you a few years down the road

Fathers and Children....Ladies I am Talking to You!

One of my fondest memories as a parent was watching my children interact with their father. It literally melted my heart to see him interact with them and play with them. To watch him meet them at their level and just connect with our children. Shh..don't tell him that though! :)

As a single mom, ladies I can tell you, dirty laundry happens and that does not mean that it has to affect our children. Yet I have numerous male friends who are being kept from their children for the sake of bitterness. Mom's who are trying to use their children to harm the other parent. Sure, you are affecting their dad and hitting him where it hurts, but who you are really harming are your children. You are keeping them from the other person in their life they love just as much as they love you. For what? Let me tell you right now, you are doing for no reason that matters, for no reason that is valid, just out of sheer bitterness and anger. You are allowing your anger and hatred to cloud your better judgement and you are harming the child(ren) you claim to love more than anything.

Acceptable Reasons to Keep a Child from the Other Parent

• The other parent is in jail 
• The other parent is currently under the influence of drugs or alcohol
• The other parent has been physically, emotionally or verbally abusive to the child(ren). 
• The other parent is living with a person who is dangerous, abusive or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. 
• The other person has a mental disorder that is not currently being treated and they pose a danger to the child(ren). 
• The other parent is a pedophile or has sexually abused your child(ren). 

I am sure there are reason not on this list that I have missed, but you get the idea. Unless there is a very valid reason to protect your child from their father, don't keep them apart. My ex-husband has not seen his children in about 8 years and calls them on their birthday and holidays. Our divorce was not pretty and I can say that neither of us handled the other person very well. At one point I felt the need to protect my children from being taken and I would never see them again. Why? He said he would pick them up from school and I would never see them again. I weighed the likelihood of him actually doing this and part of me would swear up and down that he would never do it, but I just didn't know. Divorce has shed a whole new light on this person I had loved and married. So I got full physical and legal custody, which he never contested. Little did I know this piece of paper would be his excuse not to see our children, even though I have tried to change it a couple times, he never complies. 

Now I am not here to use this post or this blog to ever badmouth my ex, he is in all reality a good person and he started out as the greatest father I have ever seen. He was great with our children and he loved them wholeheartedly, I am just not sure what happened. Divorce is ugly and I did my share of things to him that I regret 100% (and perhaps that can be my next blog or a future one). I have said things to him I regret, I threw a blender at him and the list goes on and on. I was hurt and I was angry. I never thought that our divorce would take away the one other person that matters most on this earth to my children...their dad. 

Ladies, if you listen to anything listen to this....your children need their dad just as much as he needs them. You loved this man once, enough to create life with him. You created these precious children with this person and he deserves to be in their life just as much as you do. Put your feelings aside and do what is best for those sweet children, who love this man. Their dad. I would move heaven and earth for my children to have a relationship with their dad, to spend summers with their dad (we are on separate sides of the country), and every other Christmas and etc... I would give anything for them to be able to hang out with their dad and hug him and laugh with him and just be together. 

My dad with K, A, S, M! 

"He doesn't pay child support" you say, well guess what, neither does my ex, but I would still never use this as a reason for them not have a relationship with their dad. Yeah he should, he helped create them, but don't let that prevent the children from knowing their dad. The other half of who they are. 

He divorced you, not them. Let;s get to the bottom of the matter, for most of you this hits home. He left you, he divorced you, so you are going to punish him...No! That is not how it works. God will deal with him on his flaws and his misdeed, just as He will deal with you on yours, but don't interfere in the relationship between father and child. I could through numerous statistics in here, but I don't feel the need. I just need you to know that the only one this doing any real damage to....your child(ren). They suffer the most. They turn it inward and blame themselves or think daddy just doesn't love me anymore. 

It breaks my heart to see my children suffering from not having their dad around. S things her dad hates her. M has never known what it is like to have a dad and may never know. K misses the guy she loves and whose interests match her own. No guy will ever replace her daddy in her heart. A needs his dad so desperately to teach him the things he needs to know and to talk to. They are all hurting in their own way and I can only pray that one day he will realize the damage he is doing to these children. 

STOP! Stop hurting your kids. Drop your vendetta against this person and do what is best for your children, not what is best for you. You divorced the other person, but that does NOT give you the right to keep these children, that you claim to love, from their dad! Keep your feelings and opinions in regards to your ex to yourself and cultivate the second most important relationship your child will ever have. 

Last but not least for those of your that have new relationships and are remarried, your ex, the person you created this child with is still their dad! Not your new partner. Yes the stepparent relationship is important too, but not nearly as important as the one with their real father. Just because you started a new relationship does not give you the right to literally try and replace their father with this new man. It will only end up causing you more problems in the end...in your new relationship and in your home. It will cause problems between your children and your new partner. NO ONE can replace their dad, just like no woman he gets involved with could ever replace you. 

Put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself how you would feel if the other parent did this to you? How would you feel if you were the one being kept from your own child? How would you feel if someone tried to turn your precious children against you? You would hate it. You would be heartbroken and sad. You would be angry. This is how their dad feels. 

Okay, rant over. This is an issue I feel strongly about, and one that needs to change. The importance of a father in the life of a child is significant. They need dad and dad needs them. All this will accomplish, is them possibly resenting you for keeping them from their dad. 

Until the next Scribble.........

What I don't See

**  I am little late in writing this liveFree post...

After divorce there are so many mixed feelings and emotions that hit you. The security I felt was suddenly ripped out from under me and I didn't know how to feel. I was angry, because what I didn't see coming in our family was divorce. What I didn't see coming was how this divorce would go. I felt insecure and disconnected. Everything I knew was changing and there didn't seem to be anything I could do about it. I tried to save my marriage, to no avail, my husband wasn't into saving our marriage, he was into starting a new one with another woman. A woman he invited into our lives and who aided in destroying all that we had built. Our marriage was not perfect, but it was ours.

Little by little I closed myself off from everyone. I didn't hide from everyone, but I didn't I hid how I felt, and I detached myself emotionally from everyone. I am here to tell you this is not a good thing to do. I was broken and I was not myself. I became a person that I didn't even recognize or know.

God is good. So what is that I don't see anymore?

I don't see a person who can't forgive. I don't see the broken girl who hid from her own feelings. I don't see that girl I didn't recognize, but who became familiar, and I don't see a girl who is afraid of her own feelings.

This was not an over night process, and it was not a process I could not have done if it was not for God. I am still a work in progress, simply because I am not perfect. I still have days I want to hide. I have moments when I feel like I can't tell someone how I feel about them. Today, in fact. However, I have an awesome God who loves me unconditionally and who forgives me when I mess up and who is holding my hand. He gives me the strength to do what I need to do. He comforts me when I am feeling broken and sad.

What I do see now is the old me who was not afraid of her feelings. Who, while not overly outgoing, is willing to get out and do things. Who knows what she wants and is not afraid of it, and who is not afraid to get on her knees and fight for the one thing she wants. A girl who is not afraid to fight Satan for those she loves, who is not afraid to spend time on her knees fighting for her kids and the man she loves. A girl who is not afraid of her tears anymore.

I see the old me, made new. I don't see the broken girl who listened to Satan's lies.

Until the next Scribble.....

The devil Lurks in the Shadows

The cross, it is the very symbol of God's love for his people. It is the sacrifice made so that we could be save and our sins washed away. Thank you Jesus for the cross!! Without we wouldn't have the salvation we do with it.

A life built on the foundation of God is a life filled with possibility. Our God rules with love, yes there is discipline for when we do wrong, but it is done in love.

The devil Lurks

There is one thing I can tell you for certain, the devil is lurking, looking for a way in. He wants to separate us from the cross and lead us down a path of darkness and loneliness. The devil will only keep you company until you start to follow him and then his job is done. God's love never leaves us, even when we leave Him, He is still trying to get us to come back to Him. The book of Jeremiah is about God's judgment on His people, people He loved, who turned their backs on Him and worshiped idols and other gods.He brought famine, drought and sword to Judah.. He says in Jeremiah 14:12 - Although they fast, I will not listen to their cry; thought they offer burnt offerings and grain offerings, I will not accept them. Instead I will destroy them with the sword, famine and plague. Seems kinda harsh to us, however, Judah time and time again turned from God and did their own thing. They made the devil happy and angered, as well as saddened God.

All the devil wants is for us to turn our backs on the one who created us. The one who gave us life. He doesn't love us, he doesn't want to heal and protect us, he wants to keep us bitter and broken. He wants to destroy relationships that God put together. As I write this, I can attest to this. I won't use names, but there is a relationship that God wants together, I know, because I have prayed about it for numerous hours, and the devil is doing his best to destroy it. He has blinders on and she is doing her best to be patient and not lash out in anger, like the devil wants her to do. She has to daily plead the blood of Jesus over this relationship, speak biblical scriptures over it and spend a lot of time on her knees fighting for this relationship. Have you ever heard the saying, nothing worth doing is ever easy? This is so very true. God will test us, and she has been tested numerous times. They have both been hurt by past relationships and her goal is to prove that she is not going anywhere. Nothing is more important to her than her relationship with Jesus Christ, Not even him, but she will fight for him, she will love him and she will pray daily for him. The devil lurks in the dark corners trying to convince her that she is not worthy of him, that he will never love her, and that they will never be. The devil lies. He is here to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) He wants nothing more than to take our joy, destroy our relationships and kill our faith.

God's Timing

God's timing is the best there is. If we never give up on our faith in Him, He will reveal His plan to us. For us humans, it is a lesson in patience and faith every time. There is a reason for God's timing. We need to work on something inside ourselves, someone else needs to work on something, or there is a piece we are still missing. Whatever His reasoning is, you can bet that His time is the perfect time. The girl I mentioned above, she can wallow in a broken heart or she can be filled with joy knowing that her Heavenly Father has this. She has decided to let go and let God be the driver in this situation. That doesn't mean she will sit idly by, she will be praying, and she will be reading the word and living her life. She will love him from the sidelines. 

Remember the book of Jeremiah I was talking about? The first part is about judgement. God was angry, but there is hope restored in Jeremiah. 30-33. The cross is also a symbol of hope, at least it is for me. It tells me that there is something bigger than myself out there. God is bigger than anything this world can throw at us, and sometimes it feels like it throws a lot. The devil is lurking in those dark corners just waiting to drag us under. He wants us to fail. He wants us to ignore the cross and turn away from God. I promise you, nothing good comes from turning away from God, and everything good comes from our faith, trust and hope in God. It is a relationship I promise you that won't fail you. Yes you will still get hurt, you will still struggle and have difficult times, but God is always there, holding your hand and guiding you through it. 

Faith

    Faith, hope and love. We know that these things are important in our lives. we read these words in 1 Corinthians 13:13 - Three things will last forever - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. We read them over and over, but do we really trust them? Do we take them to heart and keep them in the fore front of our mind? 

     In my latest trial, I struggle to remind myself of these things. Love is patient, love is kind...but love hurts. It is hard to remember that we are to be loving and faithful when the person that we love is hurting us. Even if we know the hurt is not intentional. When we are hurting it is difficult for us to remember that God loves us and even though He may be allowing us to go through this trial, it doesn't mean He is sitting up in Heaven enjoying or pain and suffering. He allows us to go through these trials to help us grow. Believe it or not to strengthen our faith, so that we can become the woman (or man) that God has called us to be. 

God's word gives us hope, fills us with His love and reminds us
he is faithful to those who have faith in him. 

     As I read my bible this morning I realized, or more so, I recalled a song that comes on K-Love, though I can't recall the name, part of the lyrics say, that nothing is impossible for God, anything is possible. It just takes faith. I know that God is working on my in many areas right now, but faith is a big one. This morning I was giving advice to someone and my own words slapped me in the face, sometimes God withholds what we want, the very thing we are praying and hoping for, to test us. He wants to know that no matter what trial we face, no matter how much it hurts us, and no matter the outcome that our faith, hope and trust are in Him. As I pray for my situation, I know that no matter what happens, God's plan is the best plan. I know God brought this person in my life for a reason, and I am thankful for him everyday. As I was sitting in a bible study last night, the person giving the message talked about the phrase, "let go and let God," something that we have all heard in our life. I always thought that this was a good thing to do until I realized that this is being passive. God doesn't want us to be passengers in our own life. He wants us to actively seek Him, and actively pray for our situations. So perhaps there are times we do need to let go, and in my situation this may be one of those times, but it may also be one of those times I need to fight on my knees in prayer. I need to fight with His word. 

     We may not get answer right away, but just know that God wants all of us. Not part of us. No half of us. Not 3/4 of us, but all of us. When we have faith in Him, He will direct our paths. I don't know the outcome of my salutation and you may not know the outcome of yours, but know this, God is good, nothing is impossible for Him and He blesses the faithful. 

You

You're not patient, 

sometimes you're not kind, 

but then neither 

am I. 

We are not perfect, 

but are made 

perfect by a God 

who loves us. 

Sometimes you are completely 

unbearable, 

sometimes you make 

me cry and 

cause me lash out 

in anger. 

You're difficult, 

You're stubborn and 

hold on to 

what you should let go of. 

You can be impossible to talk to

and you don't listen 

all that well. 

You're blind to what is 

right in front of you

and you never

give me time to think

things through. 

There are things I can't stand

about you and that 

irritate me 

to the point of total 

frustration, 

but I wouldn't change them. 

For your convictions, your faults, 

your morals, your faith, 

your irritating 

habits, 

your unmistakable good 

heart

and every flaw that you have, 

I wouldn't change. 

I wouldn't change these

because they 

make you, 

you, and who you are

is someone 

who is perfectly flawed

in my eyes.

When My 'but' Gets in the Way

***Today's Live Free Post on http://tsuzanneeller.com/***

But...

As parents we all hate this word.

"...but Mom, I don't have time to clean my room."

"...but Mom, she started it"

"..but I don't like peas."

"...but my friends are all doing 'it'."

God is our parent, and He too, does not like the word 'but'. In all our humanness, it is easy to whine like our children do. When I don't especially feel like praying for someone because I am irritated with them or I am not feeling particularly loving towards them, I can say,

"...but He was never there for me when I needed him, so why should I pray for him?"

"...but She is an alcoholic and causes all kinds of heartache without apparently caring?" 

"...but He hurt me in the worst way possible."

"...but She doesn't deserve my prayers after all she did." 

These 'buts' are not what God wants to hear, just like it is not what we want to hear when we tell our children something they don't want to hear. When I let my buts get in the way, I am essentially failing God. I am telling Him that my feelings regarding whoever it is He wants me to pray for, are more important this His need for me to pray for them. God knows how we feel, but He also knows how we work. When I am praying for someone, it is harder for me to feel hatred or anger towards them. It softens my heart towards these people. We all have people or situations we don't feel particularly gracious towards, but we still need to pray for them. We need to be more intentional in our praying for people. (Something we discussed in our bible study last night as well)

Prayer is not the only time we tell God, 'but', or at least it is not for me. When it is outside my comfort zone, not only do I say no easily, but I can add a 'but' in there to also reason with God. Have you ever done this? I know I have.

"...but I am not the right person to do this."

"...but I can't speak in front of people." 

"...but there is no way I can do that. It's too far out of my comfort zone, that I can't see my comfort zone anymore."

"...but I am not good enough for this task." 

Do any of these sound familiar to you? When I let my 'buts' get in the way I am getting in the way of God's plan for my life. I am telling Him that what He wants does not matter to me. What He says is not as important as staying in my comfort zone, and boy do I love my comfort zone. Ask anyone.

My 'buts' are just excuses not to leave my comfort zone and if I don't leave my comfort one I can't grow. I can't become the woman God wants me to be for Him. I miss out on His plan for my life.

Until the Next Scribble....

Pre-Marriage Prayer....

Praying for your marriage is something we all consider. The person who stands next to us day in and day out, who never gives up, even when they are angry is someone we know we need to pray for. Praying for God's grace and presence over your marriage should not even be a second or third thought, it should be your first thought in the morning and your last thought at night. Even something you do together.

What about before you are married? We don't think about praying over our marriages before they happen and yet it dawned on me today, that this is what I need to do. This is exactly what I need to do. I was writing verses in my journal regarding someone close to me, and it dawned on me that I can't fight for this person in this world, I need to fight for this person in the spiritual world. On my knees. I need to pray day in and day out. 

It is a crazy thing, when everyone is looks at me and wonders why I even bother. Let me tell you why, I bother, it is quite simple actually, God tells me to keep fighting. Coming from someone who was once married, I don't know the first thing about fighting for someone, because I know I didn't fight nearly hard enough for my marriage. I gave a halfhearted attempt at fighting for my ex, but nothing like I am doing now. 

Matthew 19:6 - Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together. Matthew is talking about marriage here, vows that two people took in front of God when they became man and wife. So why am I quoting it here? Have you considered praying this over your future spouse? Probably not. Yet, this verse, when I look at it with the eyes of a woman fighting for the one she loves, I see how praying this over this man is the best thing I can do, on my knees, fighting for him in the spiritual world. 

I remember my grandma and even more recently my aunt, telling me that to pray over something is to give it wholly to God. To let God be in control and that is a bond no man or woman can break. Do not mistake me for someone who easily hands over control of things in her life, I don't. This does not come easy for me, but I know I can't do it on my own. Philippians 4:13 reminds us that we don't have to for God is our strength and with Him, we can do all things. So praying for this man, is the only thing I can do. It is the only way I know to fight for him. 

For those of you that know me personally and know who I am talking about, you would think that this something that should hit the man over the head. He is after all a man of God, yet even men of God struggle in some areas in their life and he is struggling. I see it. I hear it. I feel it. Crazy right? No. God driven. 

We need to speak these verses into our life, and into our relationship (you know that one that God has planned for us). This man, he is fight feelings, strong ones, of rage, bitterness and anger. I won't get into all of that here, those that need to know, know and are praying. I am praying. What this is about though is praying for marriages that God has planned, but we are not aware of. Trust me, today when this realization hit me, I was in awe. Why should I pray for my relationship with this idiot, I asked. (yes I used idiot). He is not praying for this. Why should I fight, why should I pray for something he doesn't even realize fully that he wants? 

The other day I wrote a twitter message that said, "While I struggle w/what to do, #God has revealed something vital I have missed focusing on my desires & not on Him #walkinfath #p31obs" This was written on May 15. What is the realization that missed? That no matter how much he fights with himself in regards to being in my life, he has stayed. No matter how many tries he has tried to talk himself out of being here, He is still here. In his heart he knows where he belongs, but in him mind, in that tiny place we all have that wants to be defiant, he is scared. 

Did you know that Satan uses our fears? He does. He loves them. They are our insecurities, that little voice that tells us we are not good enough, that we don't deserve to be happy and on and on this annoying voice goes....Tell it to stop already! I did, and when I did, God hit me with this realization that I am where God wants me and that is enough for me. We need to pray for our future relationships. This is the person that is going to be with us forever. The person that we are going to do this thing called life with. God has to be in that! It will never work without Him in it. 

Here are some verses that I wrote in my journal: 

Proverbs 16:3 - Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. Why this one? Every action we make leads us up to the end goal. Every action needs to be a God honoring action. By praying for this relationship, my actions honor God. The idiot may need more time to realize what I have, but in the mean time, with God, I am strong enough to fight for us without him. God will succeed where He is asked to help, God will succeed in His plans for our life, if we let Him in and have Faith. 

Song of Songs 7: 10 - I am my loves and he claims me as his own. Your right, verbally he has not. Even mentally he may not be there, but spiritually he knows. I have spent countless hours talking myself out of it. Telling myself that this is not what God wants, it can't be, because it is too hard. At times too painful. Wake up, God didn't promise easy and He didn't promise a hurt  free existent. I am fighting a worldly view and Satan, neither which I could do on my own. I need God. I

I am still in the process of finding more to use in this spiritual battle. Trust me, I argue with God regarding this man daily. In my journal along with these verses, I let him go. I gave my dream, and my heart to God. I let it go. How is this fighting if I am giving up? Oh ye of little faith, I am not giving up, I am giving it to God. God has it. I am trusting Him in this situation. I am praying. 

My next question was, "What if he doesn't come around to our way of thinking Lord". God gave us free will. He face us the choice to choose Him over all and he is giving this man the choice to choose what God has planned. I pray day in and day out for him, not just in the issue of a future relationship, but for the personal demons he has to fight. Satan wants nothing more than for him to sink into anger over previous relationships, over all that he has been through and continues to go through. 

This praying over my future marriage is not just for him, because he has the right not to choose this, even though I know in my heart (thanks to countless arguments with God over this) that he is the one. Does God do back up plans? He does, because we are so messy and human that we constantly mess up His plans for us and miss the first one. We marry the wrong people, I certainly did. We choose the wrong path, I have many times. We lose our way and while He will still fulfill His plan for us, He may have to work with the mess we made. 

This is hard for me to write because it makes me vulnerable. I don't know if he reads my blog, but if he does, I have just made myself extremely vulnerable. Yet I am writing this, not for me, but so that you know, those of you reading this, that you have to pray not just for marriage when or if it happens, but before it happens. Pray for it, bleed the blood over it, do whatever it takes. This doesn't guarantee an easy marriage, (what marriage is easy?), it doesn't guarantee a perfect marriage, but one built on the foundation of prayer and God's word is one that will work. One that will stay together regardless of the obstacles because you prayed God into it before it happened. Of course, once you are married you still have to pray God into it, you have build a foundation on His word, and you still have fight the evils of this world. What are you waiting for? Start praying! 

Until the Next Scribble...............

One of Those Days....

It is one of those days. you know the one, where your irritated for reasons you cant quite put your finger on. Or maybe you can put a finger on your irritation but refuse to do so. Who knows. Irritation is building and you know it is probably only a matter of time until you explode with either angry words or it could be print form. What ever the reason, what ever the cause, you are irritated and those close to you are the ones most likely to suffer your wrath. Unless of course you are in line at the coffee shop and the person in front of you has no idea what they want, while you stand behind them knowing exactly what you want. Heaven forbid the Barista (today's word for those who make your coffee), messes up your order.

As I sit here in the coffee shop working on a paper for class, I have see the irritation of customers who direct their frustration on the poor girls behind the counter. One got their coffee as ordered but decided to complain anyway. The joys of working with the public.

What about us as Christians? How do we handle frustration and irritation? Just because we have the label of Christian surrounding us, this does not automatically guarantee that my behaviors or my initial reactions are going to be changed the moment I accepted the label of Christian or accepted that God was in charge of my life, and neither did any of the other Christians living out there.

We are human and we are going to make mistakes, the questions that Christians face is whether or not we give our troubles over to God and ask for forgiveness when we are wrong. I have mentioned that I am mom (perhaps not in this blog post, but in others) and I am human, very capable of making daily mistakes with my choices, my parenting and my opinions. I can hurt the feelings of my children without ever meaning to. Just ask them.

We need to pray and read the word daily. Will this erase our humanness? Heavens no, we will always be vulnerable to our humanness. Always. The beauty is that God knows this! He really does and He loves us anyway. Despite our faults, our actions and how we behave.

Just yesterday I wrote this in my journal:

     Thank you Lord, that you accept me into your family. You accept me just as I am and you have opened your arms to accept me. For this I am truly grateful and blessed. I am blessed beyond all measure to have you as a Father. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

We only have to open our bibles and read His word to gain an understanding of just how much He loves us. It is written on every page of this very important book. All we have to do is open it. I have committed myself to starting my day of in His word and ending my day in His word. Some days I am really good at this and others I just really want to do nothing more than sleep in for a few extra minutes. As a single mom mornings are hectic (and no you don't have to be a single mom for your morning to be hectic). 

One of my go-to bible verses is Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Sometimes this is hard to remember, and we can take on frustrations we really do not have to take on.  

I am trusting God to work out my frustrations and the things I am waiting on. We have to trust Him, if we want the best for our lives. He knows our wants and our needs, He knows the desires of our hearts and as Psalms 37:3 says, we need to trust in him and take delight in him and He will give us the desires of our heart. The key to this is that He needs to be our number one desire. 

Let go of your irritation and frustration and give them over to God. He has this, you don't need to fight battles that He has already won for you. He already won today's battles, tomorrows and every other battle we face in the future. We may not get the answer we want, but it will be His best answer. 

Sit back, breathe and pray! 

Until the next Scribble......

Sometimes Parenting Sucks....Sometimes...

Being a parent sucks sometimes. Let's just throw it out there and be real for a minute. We all see the Facebook posts of our friends and family who show how joyful and sweet being a parent is. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother, it is in fact one of my greatest joys, but I do not have rose colored blinders on that keep me from seeing the unpleasantness that come with being a mother. There are so many of us who feel like we are failing at this job called parenting, while we are reading unrealistic posts of rose colored lives where nothing is irritating and nothing goes wrong. Hello! Am I the only one living in the real world?

Parenting sometimes sucks.

Kids fight, we fight to keep the house cleaned, and hello, when was the last time you go to the bathroom uninterrupted? When was the last time you got to take a shower with a child running in and complaining about their brother throwing pancake into their hair? Seriously? I am the only one this happens to?

Have I mentioned that I love being a mother? There are joys that come with raising children, but they are not every day and they are not 100% of the time. Today for instance, S, M and myself all watched, Night at the Museum, together. No one fought, we all laughed and it was a rare time of uninterrupted family time. No fights ensued, not name calling and no hogging of the snacks. It was rare...did I mention this? Normally when we all try to watch a movie (and keep in mind K and A were elsewhere), there is fighting over the snacks, who sits in what spot, who is closer to mom, who gets to hold the remote (why are we holding the remote? There are no commercials to fast forward in a movie from Redbox) and the list continues.

There are the moments where our beautiful little angels are actually bad. They throw tantrums in the store (so not fun), they deliberately make a mess to make a point (what I am not sure). Or the times when you have to discipline them....not my favorite moment in parenting.

I love being a parent and if for some reason all of this went away I would miss it. Sure my house would stay clean, and the milk would get put away and the clothes would stay folded in the drawers and the million other things that kids are not going to do until they have their own house and realize mom was right, but I would miss out on the best thing that ever happened to me...motherhood.

I don't see the world through rose colored, everything is perfect glasses, but I do see the joy in the mess, the fights, the constant state of frustration. I see the love they have for each other (yeah, really they do). They can pick on each other all they want, but look out if anyone outside their sibling bond messes with any one of them. The protect and defend each other. They actually, on occasion, say nice things to one another. The mommy time snuggles, the kisses, the hugs, are all the best parts of being their mom. Yes I may get frustrated. I may yell. I may completely pull out all of my hair, but I wouldn't change a thing where K, A, S & M are concerned. They are my not-so-perfect little angels. I am proud to be called their mom.

Until the Next Scribble.....

Gods Not so Little Reveal in My Little Mistake...

Good Morning,

Yesterday I was ready to go hear a friend of mine speak (normally I just call him Preacher Boy, but since he hates it and may one day read this, I will refrain from doing that). I was so excited to hear what God had been wanting him to say, what message God was revealing through him. I was so excited. I wore a really cute dress, (had to make an emergency stop for tights on the way) and then realized that I didn't know what street the church was on. I messaged him, only to later realize that he had broken his phone and didn't respond. In all my excitement and hurry to get to the church on time, (no matter how organized I can be, I am usually late). I ended up at the wrong church.

Way to go Me!!! :)

As I stood in the parking lot, I froze. I did not want to enter this church and yet I did. Immediately I knew that I was so far out of my comfort zone that I could no longer see my comfort zone. It was long gone. It was no where to be found and there was nothing I could cling to, except God. I was uncomfortable, I was uneasy and I wanted to be anywhere but where I was. Little did I know that I was exactly where God wanted me to be at exactly the moment that God wanted me to be there. (Still sad I missed my W's message.

How can one be uncomfortable in a church? Good question. Just read on, I am getting there....

I was so caught up in my discomfort and unease that I missed what God was actually showing me. I missed what in that moment He was trying to reveal to me. Only to realize it today as I read through my bible study. What God revealed to me after I left the church I understood immediately. I might be just a little stuck up and judgmental. Okay maybe more than just a little.

As I sat here reading the words in Lysa TerKeurst's book, What Happens When Woman Walk in Faith, I was struck with this awesome revelation that I completely missed last night while in the middle of it. Literally. Lysa tells us in chapter 14, to look for God in the little things and not be consumed with the bigger picture, with the big reveal or resurrection that God has in store for us. Well my revelation was not small, but these words hit home and brought to light what I should have seen last night.

I was not in my comfort zone, I was definitely out of place here. Anyone looking in, would notice me right away. The pastor looked at me several times during his message and I swear the look, was 'who is this girl sitting here, who is definitely not one of us.' In fact it reminded me of  a time I was in Montana in a town called Three Forks, (cutest little town, but again I was totally out of place). In both situations I was out of place, not in my comfort zone and I was way over dressed. Seriously. Here I was i a cute little black dress with a red belt, heels, tights, every hair almost perfectly in place and I was the only one dressed up. Everyone else was in shorts or jeans, tank tops, or tee-shirts. Even the pastor was in jeans and a polo-esque top. Needless to say I got some weird looks.

I am sure that the pastor was wondering who I was and why I was there, but I am positive my unease and discomfort at being in this church was showing. I didn't belong there. I was an outsider and yet I was exactly where God wanted me to be.

God revealed so much to me that I missed when I was seeing it. My "death phase," as Lysa calls it in her book, is hard. It seems like one major thing after another. One struggle after another. I finally found a job I love, only to discover it was temporary, like everything else seems to be lately. Temporary. Okay God, I get it, life is temporary, our time here on Earth is temporary. Everything actually is temporary. Except God. God is forever! God's love is never ending, never failing and forever. It is the furthest thing from temporary.

I know, you are waiting for me to get to the point.

These people are not (and I know how this is going to make me sound), the type of people I would willing and intentionally spend time around. (Yup, I know exactly what you are thinking). Let me explain, I grew up with a dad who was never there, who thought drugs and criminal behavior were more important than his children and wife. Who was never there when I needed him or wanted him to be. This lifestyle I witnessed all throughout my childhood, with many members of my family falling down this road. I can say this for my mother, with all the drugs and criminal activity going on around us, she did a pretty good job of sheltering us from this. I never experienced it too much first hand. I saw things I shouldn't have, but it would be impossible for any one to keep everything from touching us. Some things were impossible to hide. Like the guy who came to our home looking for my father with a gun. He could have killed my mother, (my brother and I were hiding). Instead he shot out her car windows, as a message to my father, who, HELLO, was not around.

So as I sat in this church I was reminded of my dad and the life he led. The drugs that consumed his life and left me fatherless. I hated drugs (still do) to a point that I wanted nothing to do with them or the people attached, associated or dwelling in them. You do drugs? Stay away. You did drugs or spent time in prison? Stay away. I want you no where near me, or my children. Even to this day, I keep my dad a safe distance away from myself and my children. I don't want this life to touch them, and here I was sitting right in the middle of this lifestyle.

What I saw (and only today realized) is a group of people who have suffered, struggled and seen more than I could ever have. People who have lost their families, their children, everything to drugs, to their bad choices and walking down a path God never wanted to His children. A group of people who have suffered more than I have. Who have felt more pain that I have. People I can safely say who have had it worse than I have. Who despite their pain, their suffering and their hardships, are clinging to God in a way I never have. In this mistake of going to the wrong church, I learned something I may not have learned had I made it to the right church. (How many Trinity churches can there be in one town....at least 4 in ours). These people are clinging to God, clinging to the hope He provides us. They are not just there listening to a sermon preached to them by a pastor, they are clinging to God, they are holding on to him for dear life. They are there, they are present and they are not afraid to say their faith is in God.

God revealed to me that I am a little stuck up and slightly judgmental. He also reveled to me that I need to cling to Him, to put my faith in Him. I trust God, My Faith is in Him, my Hope is in Him, but I tend to keep Him at arms length. Something else that has been revealed to me through this bible study.

What is God trying to reveal to you that you are missing?

Until the Next Scribble.....

Faith Realizations

I can honestly say that on the day I took my vows, I never saw myself as as a single mother, let alone a single mother without help from their father. I never saw him as the man I see him as now. Never knew how much I could love a person and then hate them just as much. I never wanted to hurt someone as much as I wanted to hurt this person that I loved more than anything. Ever been there? Divorce is a scary place. It shows you a side of yourself that even you never realized was there. I kept asking why God did this to our family, to our marriage.

He didn't. We did. Satan sent people to steal, kill and destroy, and we let these people destroy not only our marriage, but our the home our children felt safe and secure in. Where they felt loved and protected. We took the very foundation of their lives away and for what? For nothing. I can't speak for my ex-husband and I won't try. I am sure he has justified his mistakes and his part in taking away this security from our children. I know he fights his own battles with how we ended our marriage. 

I was young when I got married and I can honestly say I didn't know the first thing about commitment and marriage. About the sacrifices that came with home and family. I am a pretty good mom, and I love my children. I loved my husband, (something I never truly admit, because then I would have to admit to the hurt that came along with what he did). I look at my children and I wonder, who would they be today, had I fought harder for my marriage. Had we taken the time to realize that divorce had never been apart of God's plan for our family. Would they be the same as they are today and honestly I can say No, they wouldn't be. In a sense we broke them, and the sad part is, he doesn't even realize this. They have hurt, anger, bitterness and emotional scars they would not have and it is our fault. Not my fault, not his fault, but ours jointly. We broke the very people we promised to love, protect and keep from harm. 

This was not God's plan for our lives. 

Being a single mom is hard. It sucks. It was never the way it was meant to be. There are times when I want to yell and scream at God for allowing this to happen. For not stopping these people from interfering. When I look back, I blamed only one person and while her part is big, and she alone has to deal with God for her part in my broken family, we do too. We have to admit we gave up, instead of remembering that we promised to love, honor and cherish one another. We promised for better or worse and when worse came, we bailed. I distinctly remember God telling me to fight for my marriage, but I didn't know how. I didn't have the strength to fight and I failed to remember that God is my strength. 

Satan won this battle and we let him. We gave him the tools to do it and he had a field day. 

So what does this have to do with anything? Simple. Faith. I didn't have faith that God would heal what was damaged. I didn't have faith that God would give me the strength to fight for my marriage. My faith was lacking, big time. Not only was my faith lacking, but I gave in the lies and doubts that Satan was telling me. If I could go back, I would. Not just for my children, who deserved to have a mother who would fight for their family, not just her marriage, but for their home; but to undo all the ugliness of that time. To unsay all the hurtful things I said. You see, when I fell hurt or threatened, I attack and not in a nice way. I will aim for where I know it will hurt the most, I will then twist it until it hurts even more and that is what I did. 

Today I look back and realize just how much I had to have hurt this person who once was my life. How much I destroyed the person I loved. We both did this to each other. I gave in to my hurt, my anger, my bitterness and my children paid the ultimate price of that. No, I am not solely to blame, but I can own my part in it. 

What I realize today is God never left us. He never abandoned us and left us to our devices, we just ignored him. We let our worldly views cloud our spiritual ones. What I have learned through this difficult process of being a single mom and completely on my own raising these children, is that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, but I am only strong because my strength, (even when I didn't acknowledge it) comes from God. Phillipians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I can be a single mother. I can raise my kids on my own. I can make a way, where this no way, because it is not me doing it, it is God. He makes the way where there is no way. He gives me the strength to get through each day. 

Someday I may get married again....(there was a time when I wanted absolutely nothing to do with marriage again), and I can take what I have learned with me. However, I will fail again if I don't put God first in the next marriage. God has to come first. God need to be first. When we set our sights on Him, there is nothing we can't overcome. Satan can't destroy a foundation that is built on God's word, God's love and God's promises. I have learned so much about myself and my walk with God in the last little while. I can only pray that one day, I will be the woman God wants me to be. I can say this, I am not going back to the person I had become after my divorce...More on that later! Now its time to get ready and spend the day with my Little Man, to celebrate the miracle of his life...a.k.a his birthday!!! :) 

Until the next Scribble........

This is Who I am....

I am not perfect, nor will I ever pretend to be...not even with my children. I am human and I make mistakes. We all do. Lately, God has been asking me if I know who I am. My response is usually what we would all probably say. "Duh! I am a mom to my children, I am a daughter to my parents, a sister to my siblings, and a friend to those I call friend, and I am me.

Guess what, that is not what He was asking. He was asking if I knew, who I am...not if I knew what my titles are...

This is a tough question to answer. It requires that you dig really deep and look at all the aspects of who you are. Yes, I am the mother of 4 amazing and wonderful children, and that does make up a big part of my character believe it or not. I, am not perfect, but I portray myself in away that reflects how I want my children to behave. I am polite, I stand up for my kids when the situation calls for it, I am sweet, I am conservative and I dress in a manner that reflects that. I don't want my daughters to dress in a way that shows of more than they need to...I certainly don't want their bums to hang out of the bottom of their shorts. No way. I put their needs first. I put them first. I try to be the best mom I can for them. Strong, independent, conservative, careful in what I say, how I act and with my behavior. Just as I want their behavior to reflect well on myself as their mother, I want myself to reflect positively on them as well. Did I mention I am not perfect? No parent is and we loose it sometimes, but this is certainly not how I want them to remember their childhood or how their mother was.

Then God asked..."who are you? Does your image reflect Me?" Oh boy?! Does it? I have made so many mistakes in the past, present and will in the future. Does that mean I don't reflect the presence of God in my life? God knows we are not perfect, but He also requires that as Christians we reflect His presence upon our life. Let Him be the one to determine who we and what our story says.

Psalms 107:2 - Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out! Tell others He has redeemed you from your enemies. 

Right there in black and white...speak out! Don't keep God's presence in your life a secret.

2 Corinthians 3:18 - So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord - who is the Spirit  makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image. 

Oh..there it is again. Reflect the glory of the Lord.

I am not perfect, ( I may have mentioned this). I get annoyed, oh how I get annoyed. I yell at my kids when my frustration with what appears to be their lack of listening and knowing how to pick up after themselves. I make mistakes (more than I would seriously like to admit to). I am human. I am strong and occasionally I am weak. I am as nice as I can be mean. I try wholeheartedly to be nice to those who have wronged me. I am way more sensitive than I let on. I am picky. I am humbled by how much God loves me, regardless of all of my flaws, failures, mistakes and imperfections.

So who am I, other than a mom, a daughter, sister, friend, and overall imperfect human being? More than my likes and dislikes, more than my hobbies and titles. Who am I?

I am a child of God, of course. So simple, yet so hard to grasp. I am saved, I am forgiven, I am loved...by God.

Who are you?

Until the next Scribble............. <3

A Letter To My Ex-Husband

Dear Ex-Husband

This morning, as I was drinking my morning coffee and reading my bible, I came to a realization that I have not been fair to you. During our marriage I took for granted that you would always be there for the kids and I. The problem was not in your commitment to our marriage, though that definitely, came into question years later after our vows, but the problem was me.

I owe you an apology, probably a few, but we can start with this one. On that September day in 1997 when we promised to love, honor and cherish one another forever, I didn't truly understand what forever meant. I didn't understand the amount of listening, caring and work that came with the word forever. So, I apologize for being to young and clueless to really be able to make a promise of forever when neither of us were truly ready to make forever a reality.

I think about our relationship over the divorced years and occasionally I wonder how we got here. Not how we got divorced, per se, that was all plain and clear, but how we got to a place where we can no longer communicate with each other like rational, civil adults. I think about how we used to sit and talk after the kids were asleep and thats is when I realized, we didn't communicate like normal couples, you were in your garage and I was in the house and we chatted through a computer screen as if we were hundreds of miles away and not in the same house. Now I see, it is a wonder we lasted as long as we did.

I owe you another apology, I am sorry that I didn't work harder to make God the center of our relationship. I admit, I tried, but not with as much effort as I should have. We were doomed to fail the moment we took out the one who brought us together in the first place. Instead of praising Him and thanking Him, we took it upon ourselves to do what we wanted, when we wanted. We didn't seek Him together. Sure we attempted church, but it was half-hearted and never lasted. This is the true reason, our children now have Mom's house and Dad's house. Near the end, we seemed so close, and we were talking and communicating...in person...and I just didn't see what was right in front of my face. Had God been the main ingredient...even over love, in our marriage, I have no doubt that our family would still be together.

There is one thing I will be forever grateful to you for. You gave me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me, our children. These amazing children, who occasionally remind me of you with their silly play on the pronuciation of words, with their eyes that resemble yours, and the boys whose hair is definitely a gift from you. Our oldest daughter reminds me of you on a daily basis, with her flair for all things I can't stand...electronics, programming and robotics. For a few glimpses in each day I do fondly think of you when I look at them,

It has taken me years to see what I should have seen a long time ago. I am no longer angry, just sad that our kids no longer have you in their lives. Is it anger on your part? Bitterness? Regret? I don't know. The beauty of divorce is that I don't need to know, but your children miss you. I don't blame you for wanting out of our miserable excuse for a marriage, and for what I do blame you for, I have given over to God, because it is more than I can deal with on my own.

It saddens me when I see all that you have missed out on. All that you will continue to miss out on and for reasons, I simply do not understand. I pray for you daily, and for you to one day soon realize what is right in front of you...your children. They love you, they miss you and they need you just as much as they need me.

So why is it that I can write this to you in a blog, but not tell you in person? There was, I admit, a lack of face-to-face communication in our marriage, but there was a time, that no matter what was going on, I could tell you anything. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it wasn't horrible either. I wonder if you remember the awe, excitement and fear when we brought our daughter home for the first time? Do you think about they way she responded, even in the hospital room, to your voice? Or the curious, almost fearful way, you asked the nurse, "You mean we just take her home? Your just going to let us walk out of her with her?" Its memories like these that make me smile.

I can't hate you, even when I want to hate you and the world would most definitely understand my hatred towards you. With all the bitter and ugly things that have been said, I can't hate you. I have four little reasons why I could never hate you. They are the best part of both us and the best part of our marriage.

I do hope that you are happy.

With Warm thoughts and Well wishes,

Your Ex-wife

Country Life

Matthew 6:26-34 - Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don;t worry about these things saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously and He will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will brings its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today. (NLT)

What do the sounds of roosters crowing, (do roosters crow?), the smell of dirt and manure, and the sight of barns have in common? Country Life of course. Most of you readers know that I am a self-proclaimed city girl. I preferred the sight of buildings, the crowds of eclectic people walking about their busy lives and even the sirens signaling that something is not quite kosher somewhere in the city. The sights and sounds of life happening everywhere you look and even where you don't look. 

So what is it about being in the country that makes one want to start a garden, make jelly and other various canning items and for kids to want to have cows and chickens? The view is very different from the city views I have preferred. 

Our Barn....yup there is a barn! :) 

This view is from the walk M and I took yesterday! It was literally the first gorgeous day we have had since arriving in Oregon. Most days have been foggy and dreary and then rainy and gloomy. Being here makes me want to do things I have never wanted to do before. Hiking, something I have kind of wanted to do, but never really gotten into. Bugs, poison oak, creepy crawly things and so on have prevented me from becoming much of an outdoors girl and yet, living in the country makes me want to do all of them. 

Seriously I want to plant a garden, grow herbs (the legal kind, the ones you cook with, not the kind that I know came to mind), and can. I want to make soaps, and candles, and homemade everything! You all know how much I love to cook (at least I think you do?!) and I just want to spend my days in the kitchen creating and feeding my kids. Weird, right? 

M on our walk yesterday! 

Even waking up early and reading my bible is more enjoyable. Delving into the word and being close to God gets easier each day. I love my prayer time and learning more about myself and my walk with God. It is so easy to see God in everything around me. The wild flowers that He made beautiful, the birds that He feeds and He created. The mountains and the trees and all the life that is actually happening and all without sirens! 

Yesterday during our walk A, who rode his bike way ahead of us, cam back to tell M that there were fireman at his school and I actually felt safe letting them walk to the school without me! M had a blast  and came home to tell me all about how they let him on the truck and he got to see the inside of the fire truck and they told them about the training and even invited them to the fire station anytime they wanted to go! M is ecstatic. I guess we will need to make cookies and bring them to the fire station so M can visit a fire station! 

The path may be rocky and narrow, but if
it is a God created path, then it is
the right path. 

We have entered a whole new phase of life for our family and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us. Being here is like seeing Matthew 6:24-34 in real time, not just in word form. He does provide for the flowers of the field, for the birds and animals that roam the ground and the sky. He provides for them and they don't worry about a thing! So why should we? Being out here you can see this verse come to life! 

I am on a new path, creating new memories and creating stability for my children. (Finding a job will totally help with that). This path is not always clear, it is rocky and appears to be narrow and going nowhere. It is a struggle sometimes to put one foot in front of the next and go on, but as sure as I am sitting here, I know that God will provide. I many not like this situation very much, but I love and trust God and I know He is here guiding the path. 

Now, seriously, I need to consider this garden idea and figure out where to put my herb garden that I must have! (I had on in Cali too!) I love herbs and every cook needs an herb garden! :) Life is full of surprises! Keep you faith, turn to God and nothing is impossible! 

Until the next Scribble.........

P.S. The fog is back and it is thick as molasses!!! :) 

Setting Goals...

So today I set goals for my writing and my blogging. While I have a book idea started and in the works my main goals are to get more followers for my blog! Okay I know there are those of you out there in cyberland, drinking your coffee, tea, or cocoa, and reading my blog! So post it! Share it! Follow it!!! Seriously!! :) If you have a blog, tell me about it! Leave comments, I do read them! Let's get this blog out there!! :) Especially if you enjoy it, or you know of someone who would! This is not the time to hold tight to your secretly favorite blog like you do your old family spaghetti recipe that you tell no one about!!! I am definitely over using the exclamation mark, a grammar no-no but the situation calls for dramatization.

Okay, Okay, enough shamelessly trying to get you to follow and share! :)

Back to goals! While I do have a couple book ideas brewing in my mind, I decided to focus on first getting my blog our there and creating content that my readers (and FOLLOWERS!) want to read. Also, I decided that when it comes to my writing goals (Yup, I do know that blogging is writing, but it is separate for me goal wise), to focus on starting small. So my other focus will be articles. I created separate goals for both. One of my goals is to tell two people to help me accountable to my goals, but hey, posting it on my blog for the world to see, even better. So help hold me accountable. I am going to also tell two close friends who I know and pray will help me stick to my goals.

I love to write, Getting a little worn out on writing research papers and things for school, but for the most part I enjoy research and writing, because I learn so much. I put off writing for many reasons, fear being one of them, something I am overcoming and deleting from my life. God is a big part of this riddance of fear in my life. Now I know that lately I have posted many blogs focusing on my walk with God and trusting God, even you religious non-believers can get something out of my posts. Its about my walk with God, Yes, but it is also about the struggles of being a single parent, (which you may or may not know about), and life in general. It is about looking towards the future and not letting your past define your future or define who you are. Certainly it helps to shape us into the person we are today, but we are not defined by it.

So I have my goals and you have yours....to share and to actually be a follower of my blog. In some cases, like this one, it is OK to be a follower! I am a follower of Jesus, that is another time it is OK to be a follower.

Until the next Scribble.....

PS I woke up to a gorgeous morning....our first morning here in 13 days that it was not foggy when I woke up.

Juggling Single Motherhood

Okay, so I am going to switch things up a bit. Change is still the theme of this year, in fact, I made it my theme word for this year. This year is all about change. 

However, today was crazy. The washer is acting wonky, the kids are restless and this mommy is just tired. School work, house cleaning, getting the house in order after having moved, doing this, doing that and looking for a job and all while trying to keep my sanity and the kids alive. Vodka/Cranberry anyone? 

When I was married and had kids and was a stay-at-home mom I often wondered how single mom's did it. I had a ton of respect (and still do) for those mom's that did it all on their own. How did they get it all done? A question I often pondered. Now that I have been a single mom for many years, I can say, they don't. That and they don't sleep. When I had a husband who did all the "guy" stuff and I did all the "mom/girl" stuff, it wasn't perfect or always easy, but it was easier. The responsibilities were split in half and mom even got a girls night out on Friday's twice a month.

Single moms have to be both mom and dad. Seriously for some of us this hard to do. I know nothing about being a dad. I can't fish, hunt, or work on a car. I can't play baseball or football and I mix up whether a game has quarters or innings. With a that has to be done in a day, something is going to get left out, forgotten or undone. I just hope it is not a kid. Forgetting or losing your kids is seriously frowned upon. Have you ever lost your child for a second in a store? Did you see all those people staring at you like you were a bad mother? I know I have and I did! 

Today, I just felt like a crazy white woman trying to keep it all together, and failing. Who can do it all? No one. Even the ones that look like they have it all together and that they get nothing wrong, do mess up and they do forget things. They even lose a child in the store once in awhile. No one is perfect and no one can get it all done. I don't need vodka/cranberry, I have God. He tells me I am worth it, imperfections and all. With Him, I can do all things for He is the one who gives me strength. My help, my strength, my hope, and my will to keep going, all comes from Him. 

Most days it is a juggling act. Who needs to be where. K has Robotics, S has bowling, M has baseball, A is where? Right, E's house. Church is on Sunday's, get up get four kids ready and out the door. Did S go to H's house? Or did she go to E's house? Where can I squeeze groceries in and did I do all the assignments for school only to now have to help M with his homework. Scheduling is a nightmare with 4 active children and a mom. Drop K off at Band, Pick S up from Boys and Girls club, take A to youth group. The schedule juggling act. 

Now....

Most days I just fall into bed. I don't even always remember doing it, it just happens. Today, for example was non-stop fighting, and not listening to mom. The wonky washing machine made me throw all the clothes in the van and head to the laundromat. Killing two birds with one trip to town, when the clothes were all in the dryer we went to Walmart to get a few miscellaneous items. M was definitely bored with our outing and acted up a bit. Then of course there was the fighting and no one wanting to clean up....even after a thousand "Hey do this" from mom. It was one of those days you seriously consider selling those precious, adorable children to gypsy's. 

Well, I guess it is that time...time for this tired mom to go to bed. 

Until the next Scribble........

P.S. I totally just realized I need to shave my legs....add it to the list of things to do tomorrow!!! 

Change is Good

Change can be scary and it can be good. I know that a lot of these posts lately are dealing with change. As single parents we are not unfamiliar with change, our whole lives became about change when we became single parents. This year, for my family, is all about change and new beginnings. I hope that includes the kids getting more in touch with their father, but that is out of my hands and my control. I leave that in God's very capable hands. Like I leave a lot things that are out of my control.

So much has changed lately. Some good and some sad. For example it was pointed out to me that a friend of mine can't just call up and say, "Hey lets go to the movies or meet me at _____ for lunch," and for a second that made me sad. However, it also means that this friend misses me. Which puts a big cheesy smile on my face. It is good to be missed.

We are learning to navigate around a new area. Establishing new routines and making new connections. So instead of shying away from change, embrace it. Believe it or not, I am not a very social or outgoing person. I am very introverted, okay maybe not as introverted as the girl in the Disney movie my son just watched called Radio Rebel, but definitely an introverted personality. After 35 years perhaps it is time to shed the introverted and embrace the extroverted. Every introvert personality has some part of their personality that is extrovert and vice versa.

There are so many things I have to figure out as far as scheduling and getting a job, but I am not worried, because so far all things have pretty much fallen into place where this move has been concerned.

You can always start small where change is concerned. Paint your room a bold color. Go to the salon and get a new hair color. Your change can be as big or a little as you want to make it.

Moving... :)

The packing and getting things organized, deciding what to take and what to throw out or give away and adjusting are all such fun aspects of moving. In all reality I like moving. Experiencing a new place, meeting new people and a new house, etc....

We are all slowly getting back into a routine and things will be normal soon. K starts school tomorrow and will be learning a whole new routine and will hopefully adjust....she is not a fan of change. S loves her new school and has already made a couple of new friends. M is adjusting, but misses his old school and his teacher. A is still waiting to start school, as they are looking to see which of the 3 schools in their one school will be the best fit for him. 

For a girl who loves the city, she has moved from one rural area to another, albeit a prettier one. There is one road here that seems to go on forever....and ever..... to the point that you think you somehow passed where you were supposed to go, but you didn't. There is a lot of distance between places. 

School started back up for this mom yesterday as well, meaning things will feel a bit more normal now. 

Well as much as I would like to write a longer post, morning comes early and my eyes are telling me it is time to go to sleep....Good night. :) Maybe, just maybe tomorrow's post will be wittier and longer. Before you all get on me for not having written a post in two days in a row, I already know. :) I may have to go duck shooting if these ducks don't stop quacking! Don't they know it is time to sleep. Sheesh! 

Until the next Scribble........

A Short Hello

A post a day for a year, this proves to be harder than I thought it would be. Today was a fairly quiet Sunday. K will be here Tuesday and I can't wait til she gets here. I miss her. There is still so much to do and so much to figure out, but I have faith that it will be figured out. 

I am ending the day with Romeo and Juliet. Such a great play, and movie. Shakespeare had many great writings, but Romeo and Juliet has always been my favorite. Such a tragic love story. I have always assumed that love should be easy and it should just work, but I have learned that love should not be a fight, but it is worth fighting for. Romeo and Juliet, though fictional characters, didn't fight for their love, they ended it on a misunderstanding. I love the costumes and the way in which they speak. Such a great story, even if the ending is sad. 

Tonght's post is going to be short. Sleeping in a new place is never easy and I haven't fallen asleep early since arriving here. So I am going to end here, go read my bible and head to bed. Hope everyone has a blessed evening. 

Until the next Scribble....

Change...So necessary

So ends another day in Oregon.

I have never been a fan of change, I like things to stay the same. Routines have always been a great thing as far as I was concerned. Lately though I have begun to hate routine and things not changing. Maybe that is God telling me its time for change. I remember the minister we had when I was in high school telling me that "change comes because change is wanted". Of course as a teenager I didn't really understand what God was trying to tell me, but as an adult I can understand what that phrase means. 

This move seems a little crazy to most people, but it was necessary for this family. We needed change for so many reasons. A little distance never hurt anyone, and in this case will be good. I am totally going to miss my Papa though. Back to change. I definitely wanted this change, and I believe that God made this change possible, even though looking at it with human eyes, it seems a little crazy. I made this change because I wanted things to change and nothing changes if we stay in the same place, doing the same things over and over. In fact that is the definition of insanity. Doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome. 

So Monday I am taking the kids to get signed up for their new schools...provided the water is fixed...no shower might be scary for a first day of a any school day let alone the first day at a new school. I am a little sad that Matthew will be leaving his totally awesome school in California, but excited for the new changes this family is about to experience. The first step is....making the decision to change. Taking the first step in changing a situation can be scary. Here is to change...to new beginnings and learning new things! Hey, I have already learned how to put in pvc pipes...now if only I can get the stop leaking in new places. However, I have a friend who will be here tomorrow to fix the problem for me...love him. 

Life without change is like a cup without coffee...empty and boring. So get out there, make changes, do new things and live your life. Don't sit back and watch it fly by. Live! Take God with you and things will just fall into place and even the tough times won't seem so tough. With God, all things are possible and nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible. 

Until the next Scribble......

My new view from my front door....<3

Welcome to Oregon....

If you will recall, the pipes broke last night...thanks to the weather. O Joy! So today has been a lesson in learning for this city girl. Sounds likes a cheesy chick flick right? Life is about lessons right?! Just another lesson in trusting in God. This morning I read 1 Peter 1:6-25 which talks about trusting in God.
"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that you faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold - though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 1:6-7.

Trial 1: A tiny crack in a pipe, who knew it could cause so much trouble! I do...now! Haha! When I woke up this morning and saw this little crack, I thought, "Okay Elle, you got this, you can handle it!" So off to this great little place called Rainey's and meeting some really great and helpful staff there! Bought the parts I needed and headed back to the house. This girl is on fire, she is armed with parts, a plan and headed home to get some water going! This my friend, is optimism at its finest. This city girl, who just wants to turn on the faucet and have water come out, or flush the toilet and actually have it flush, is going to do a very non-city girl task!

Which brings us to this picture...I actually cut off a section of pipe! Me! yup seriously I did it! There was some excitement, I am not gonna lie. I was like a kid in a candy shop. I saw a problem, and I was about to fix it...(okay thanks to some really great people, who showed me what I needed..from the photo above..and told me what I needed to do). I was about to do something that a few hours ago, was out of my comfort zone and certainly out of my capability. Trials are these nasty little test that strengthen us and make us capable of enduring more, and being way more excited for the small, little victories. From a small crack, to a section of pipe being told good-bye, and hello to a new section being, not-so-expertly put into place.

Waaalaa!! I did it. I actually put on a new section of pipe. I faced my trial and I conquered it. Even went into the house to have a cup of much needed coffee and waited for the glue to dry (even though it said quick drying, I was willing to give it some more time to dry. The new patient me, who can kick butt and put in new pipe.

Then we flipped the switch to turn the water back on, it appeared as if all was well, went into the house to flush a toilet in great need of being flushed and heard, "Mom!"

So what do I see. Water. Something I should definitely not being seeing now that my pretty new section of pipe has been put in and looks very nice, I might add. But wait, it is not water from the same spot, but from another spot altogether. Happy Happy Joy Joy. So back to the truly awesome, if you live in the area, you should definitely go there, store and to the incredibly awesome staff that they have. This is truly the one stop shop for anything you need, and they are definitely not afraid to help you find it. I was told to talk to the "tall guy" whose description does him justice. He is tall. O hey and above is a picture of this great store I visited multiple times today. I can't say enough how much I love this place today!! Simply the best! Need a rabbit? They have three. Need toy tractors (M thinks he does), they have plenty. Need pipe materials, they have those galore!

So this is what the next cutting job was. It was not difficult but I did manage to scrape my finger when I was cutting a new section of pipe to put on here. Another section of pipe...gone. This girl is getting great at using a saw. Admittedly this project is not as hard as it looks. It took me all of about 30 minutes to cut the pipe, measure a new piece, cut the new piece and glue in the new pieces Looks great right? Right. The water should definitely be working now...or not.


So this is the new problem. Fix one problem and hello to a new problem. It is as if, the ole pieces are saying, "Hey I want to be new again too. So I am going to spray you with water continuously, so that you have to replace my pipe too. So now the water is spraying out the bottom. Welcome to Oregon, California girl! Of course you know what this means, right? Another picture and another trip to Rainey's! Literally, they now know my first name!


 In the picture below you can see the new pipe is put into place and now there is yet another problem. A new place for water to spew out all over the place. Yeah me! What is a girl to do? Well for starters, shut off the water. This project is going to have to wait another day. After all the kids like to eat and at the taking of this picture it was dinner time.
God gives us these trials to test us. Just like it says in the verse. He wants to know that we will remain faithful to him, regardless of what we are facing. It is how we keep our faith in the tough times that shows just how faithful we are. It is so easy to be faithful when everything is going great, but not so easy when every time you turn around, another section of pipe is leaking and all you want to do at this point is take a shower. So now I must say good night. Tomorrow will begin day three of our new life in Oregon and day 2 of trying to get water. Welcome to Oregon...I know God has this! He is just testing us. Do I know what for? No, I don't, but I know what ever it is, I can't wait to find out. Through it all, God is good.