It has been a fairly easy going and relaxing day at our house. I got the cleaning done, while M was taking a nap. With a rare quiet afternoon looming ahead of me, I turned off the TV and even Facebook....yes I turned off Facebook, lit some candles, brewed some Chai Green Tea, a little light music in the background and sitting on the couch and reading some of my book. It was truly the most relaxing afternoon I have had in awhile. The candles are still glowing, the two children that are home are doing their own various activities. K is doing Sudoku puzzles and M is playing with his wooden puzzles.

Have you ever thought about how happy you truly are? When I was married, I knew I was truly happy. My life revolved around my family and I enjoyed it. I loved it and all was right in my world. I loved being a wife and a mother and staying home with my children.

Life after divorce was a whole new world for me. Presented a handful of new and not so fun challenges. There were more issues and problems than there were enjoyable moments. Needless to say I was not happy. In the 4 years I have been separated and divorced, I have spent most of that time trying to figure out what went wrong. For a while, a long while life was truly perfect, with its share of problems, but I wouldn't have changed it. Or so I thought. While I still don't know what changed in our marriage, I know that  dwelling on it now it not going to change the outcome. I am still going to be divorced, he is still going to be with "the other woman" and regardless of my feelings toward him now (which I can not put into print), I need to focus on me, my children and our future without him in it.

Happiness is a choice. Even in the darkest parts of our lives, there are still things we can enjoy, moments we can cherish and people we need to spend time with. Our children are only small for a short time.Today I played puzzles with M, we also drew pictures, and I read a book.  K and I had a short conversation in the living room and A and I read 4 chapters of The Clone Wars book 1. S and I didn't have  a whole lot of quality time today, but we did chat for a bit about her doll and the owie she obtained moving a chair. We can choose to enjoy our children and not tell them we are too busy to take a moment out of our day to spend time with them.

It's not just the the children though. It's our life in general. We are only given one life. One chance to make the most of what we are given. My current situation is not nearly ideal, but I can choose to be miserable or I can choose to enjoy my life and my children. Maybe I am growing up, or maybe even just growing in a new direction, but this is my choice and I don't want to be miserable in my life, because I can't currently change the situation I am in right now. It will change, it will get better and it will be alright no matter what the future holds.

I am focusing my attention on taking care of my children, completing school and living my life to the best of my ability. Happiness is our choice, its probably one of the few things that we actually have control over. So what are you going to choose?

Until next time....

My Grown-Up Christmas List...

This is one of my favorite Christmas Songs. As a child you ask for toys and little kid items. As we get older we don't really think about our Christmas lists anymore, just the ones our kids give us.

If I were to make one it would probably look something like this:

• My own house
• New Car that works - Toyota Highlander Hybrid
• The children's father would be apart of their lives
• Another job - one that pays well
• My children are happy, healthy and grow up to be decent adults.
• World Peace - I know this will never happen but it would be nice
• The ability to decipher teen language

I don't need much in life. A job that allows me to live in my own house and take care of my little ones. Someday maybe someone will come along that I am willing to allow in their lives on a permanent basis, but it would take someone very special.

Christmas was always my favorite time of the year. I enjoyed baking goodies to put in tins for our mailman, the kids' teachers, neighbors and even our doctors. Taking baked goods to the fire station and police station in our neighborhood. Shopping for the kids, wrapping their gifts while watching my favorite Christmas movies. My absolute favorite part of Christmas is the tree. Taking the children's wagon down the road to our Christmas tree lot and picking out the perfect tree. Then tying it to the wagon and walking home.

Then came divorce and Christmas no longer seemed the same. I missed the family Christmases I created for my family and doing all the things we did together. We created our own traditions and the children always had a blast. The problem was one of us was missing. Dad. The children seemed to notice the gap in our family more so at the holiday's. I did too even.

It all changed. I admit, I am not great with change, and it took me a long time to realize that not all change has to be bad. It's not perfect, but if I really thought about it, it was not back then either. Last night my mom and I went to Chico to go shopping and then the children decorated the tree and we drank hot cocoa. New traditions. Tonight I wrapped presents while watching Christmas movies. Christmas morning, we will have our traditional stuffed blueberry french toast and open gifts. I am finally in the Christmas Spirit.

There might not be a Dad in the house, but we are still a family and we are doing well.

Until next time...

There is nothing like the Christmas Tree to put you in the mood for Christmas.

I love this song!

This is what we are all looking for when it comes right down to it. The song it's self is about Cancer, but the simple fact that someone will "love you thought it" (it being anything) is truly what we all want. Even if we do not admit it.

My Children's Father

     When you are married, you know how to feel. Occasionally you are going to feel angry at your spouse, but you are in love, and you are living your life together. Just like there is no handbook on how to be married, (though there a numerous books with someones opinion of what you need to do to stay married) there is not handbook for divorce.
     When you are divorced, everyone expects that the feelings you had for your spouse, simply vanished one day, never to return. Not so. That is what makes divorce so hard, the feelings. While there is anger, hurt and tears, there is also love and the memories you made as a family.
     Someone asked me if this blog was about venting about my ex. The answer is no. Although, I am sure there will be some venting, but that is not the sole purpose of this blog. It never was. Here is what I have to say about my ex.

      While we apparently can not be friends, we no longer see eye to eye on anything, (even the issues we did while we were married) I don't hate him. He is the very reason, I have my children. Without him, I would not have the children that I have, or the memories that I have. No matter what he says or does, he will always be their father and for that reason alone, I will always cherish him and our time together.
      I am saddened to loose my best friend and I have a lot of respect for the man he used to be, but none for the one he has become. Someday, I hope that we can get along for the sake of the little people in our lives, as regardless of the fact we are no longer in the same home, they still need us both. I pray that he chooses a relationship with his kids before its too late.
      I want the best for him and I hope he is happy with the life he chose over ours.
      Don't get me wrong, I am no saint and there are days I want to push him off a mountain for not seeing what he has done to our family, but, no, I do not hate him. I do not regret the life we used to share and I am 100% grateful for him and the part he played in my life for a brief time. Because of K, A, S and M, I will always love him, and always have a small place in my heart that is strictly for him. He gave me, the best parts of my life.
     Now if you were to ask me the same question about the woman in his life.....whole other story.

   

Barbie and Prince Charming

     I was cooking dinner the other night and watching my daughter S, play with her barbies. I know full well that this phase of her childhood is about to end, and it saddens me some. Ken, a.k.a Prince Charming, was sitting in the Jeep waiting for Barbie, and S has Ken tell Barbie, who is in the house getting dressed. Trying on outfit, after outfit and oblivious to the fact that she is keeping Ken waiting in the car.
    I asked her why Ken doesn't just get out of the car and wait in the house, and she replies, "Quite frankly Mom, she doesn't think it will hurt him to make him wait in the car." OK. So I continue cooking my meal and hear Barbie enter the car.
      It got me thinking, we (women) do like to make men wait in the car. Why is that? Is it because we want them to think that by leaving them there, we are somehow in control of the situation and you will only enter our home, IF we think you are worthy enough to? Or is it that are quite simply afraid to let them in, to let them see our personal space? Perhaps the house is just a mess and we don't want them to see it.
     Either way, maybe we should at least allow them to wait on the couch.
     Eventually Barbie came down and they went on their date. The Under the Table Restaurant was their choice of place for dinner and then he dropped Barbie off and she went home. After awhile I hear her get on the phone and Barbie is gossiping to a friend about her Prince Charming.
    Barbie: "He is so hot"
    Barbie's friend: "I thought you would like him. He is so hot."
    Barbie: "He is my Prince Charming, you know. We are going to get married, have 2 children and live happily ever after."
     It is nice to know that even after the divorce her father and I went through, S, still believes in Prince Charming and Happily Ever After. I am glad that thus far, we have not damaged our children on the idea of love.    
     Dating after divorce sucks, and dating with children is even harder, but someday we just have to realize that you have two choices: 1. Sit at home night after night by yourself once the kids are in bed, or 2. Get off the couch, go out and dare to have fun. The reality is, we all get hurt, but it does not have to be the end of life as you know it. Grieve, cry, dust yourself off, and move on. It is as simple and as complicated as that.

It's a New Blog...

     OK, being the technological genius that I am, I managed to somehow delete my blog and with it the title. My bad! So here is the new blog.

     How does one start a new blog? Well since I don't recall how I started the last blog, I guess I will just start with telling you who on earth is writing yet another blog about being a mom! Lord help you all. I just want to say though, that while yes, this is another blog by yet another mom, in my completely unbiased opinion...it's the best one! Of course you will have to actually read it. That means turning off Facebook, (Yes! Amazing, but people actually do that), and opening those eyes, (yes the ones on your face) and actually reading the words that are printed on the screen.

    Here goes. All about me, (I think I made a page about this too). No one loves me more than I love me, except maybe my mom. No really, I am not that self absorbed, but I am a firm believer that if you don't love yourself, then why the hell should anyone else? If you don't like me, that's OK, I can handle it. I won't commit suicide or worse, eat a whole double chocolate cake because, heaven forbid, someone does not like me. Sorry.
    Being a mom is the greatest joy, and yes the greatest pain in the butt, job that I have ever experienced. Top that off with doing it myself and forget Sleepless in Seattle, you have Sleepless Period! I love my children, and if you can't hang with that, bye bye! These little people in my life are amazing. They, much to my disbelief and amazement, constantly surprise me everyday. I mean who knew that one can consume syrup mixed in milk and ketchup, and not throw up. Just looking at it made me want to puke.
    I have learned, life is messy and you can't actually clean it up, just make it tidier. Kids are messy. They play in mud, with bugs and then they throw the mud and bugs on you. Eww! Furniture is no longer made for sitting and laying on, but for sliding down and turning upside down to make a fort. Try explaining to your four year old the table upside down does not make a fort, but keep it upright and Walla, you have a fort...just add blankets and sheets.
    I am not some blond (my apologies to the smart blonds out there who are actually intelligent) whose idea of a good time is trying to figure out how many blonds it takes to put in a light bulb Funny thing, it only takes one brunette. I can actually hold an adult conversation, (even after many years of gibberish and baby talk). I have opinions, thoughts and ideas and I don't usually apologize for them.
    I have never really been too great at writing about myself, an autobiography is certainly not in my future. I am currently going to school, studying Criminal Law.  I have thought about taking Social Justice, but my immediate friends and family don't see me as the type to want to help people who have gone down the wrong track. More to the point they don't see me as the the type to go into the "ghetto" risking being shot at and beaten, for the sake of helping someone. I'm a little offended at that, but then again, I haven't exactly been known for entering the bad parts of town, so maybe I ought to give it a try.
     I tried my hand at being a gas station cashier, and realized there is more drama and dog poo there than on a soap opera or on the grass in a park. One can only take so many comments on their butt and other body parts before you feel like throwing them out the door with it shut. Don't get me wrong, I like compliments as much as the next girl, but guys, please don't confuse, "Hey baby, you look good bent over that counter," and a compliment. A compliment would be, "Has anyone told you, you have a great looking butt?" Or better yet stick with the eyes or smile. Just saying.
    Okay, I guess that is enough about me, although I am not sure there is much actually about me, as there is opinion. Well you can always contact me, if you want to know more, or again, read the blog.

Have a great day readers! :)