Forgiveness...(kind of long)

I am only human and as a human I make mistakes. Sometimes big ones, and sometimes not so big ones. However, no matter what I do wrong, God forgives me. So the question is, even when I think I have, but have not, why is it so hard to forgive someone.

Divorce is never easy, no matter how "friendly" you and your spouse try to make it. The truth of the matter is, that divorce should never be an option. My own husband once told me that, "there was a reason you go married in the first place and that reason is always there and it never goes away".  Apparently, if it never goes away, you can push it aside and find someone else to replace your wife before you leave your marriage.

So much of me wants to be angry at him and cause him pain like he has done to me and our children. Children that he says matters to him and to whom I defend him to. I tell them he loves them, and honestly I believe that he does, his mind is just clouded to what should really matter in life. I tell them he would see them if he could, and part of me believes that too. My ex is not a horrible father, or he didn't start out that way. When A gets angry and says I need to find him a new dad to replace the one that doesn't call him back, that excludes them from his life and the one that doesn't love them like he used to, I tell him point blank that daddy loves him, he just lives so far away and day to day activities keep a person busy. What I don't tell him and what I want to tell all of them, is that your father is a jerk. He is a selfish, lousy, poor excuse for a man, pathetic, weak and sorry individual who put another woman, a moral-less, home-wrecking, father stealing, equally pathetic and weak individual above the needs of his family and the emotions of his children. That he is a lousy husband a terrible father and does not deserve the children he helped create and bring into this world. I want to hate him with everything that is in me. However, I don't. I don't hate him and I know that deep down that father, the one that loves these children unconditionally is there.

So what is the point of all this...simply that I need to forgive him for leaving our marriage, for putting some woman in the middle of our marriage. A woman who did not belong there. Who does not belong in the middle of our family. For she alone is standing in the way of my children having a father...and yes I need to forgive her too. However, I am human and that is going to take more time.

Everyone asks why I am angry at the other woman, more so than I am angry at my husband. Ex-husband, and the truth is I am angry at them both. However, it is not like she was innocent and didn't know this man was married. She knew. She chose to ignore it. She put herself in the middle of my marriage when she should have backed out. She should have dropped all contact with him. She caused my children unbearable pain by taking part in the break up of their family. She played the pathetic, helpless victim...something I won't do.  She made the choice to break up what God brought together. While I realize that my husband was to blame as well and that he let this home-wrecker break up our family. So this is forgiveness that is going to be hard to come by, but I know that God will help. With God, I can forgive him and maybe one day her too.

I pray for him daily, and I pray for myself to be able to forgive him. I pray God's will for our lives and for our parenting relationship. I was not a perfect wife, and I knew that my own bitterness towards him played a huge part in our divorce. He wasn't the victim and he wasn't a perfect husband either...obviously. What I do know, is that a woman once willing to come between a marriage won't hesitate to do it again. I have also been asked if I would take him back if it was God's will...and the answer is I don't know. I used to say No automatically, and I find it hard to believe that after all the angry words, the years, and the bitterness and everything that has happened in the last 5 years...that God would even want that or Will it...then again he is God. If and ONLY if it were God's will...there is no humanly way for us to get back together, he doesn't want it and I don't either....after all, how would I trust him? I forgave him the first time...I couldn't the second time and now I am truly trying to work on it....for my own piece of mind.

Truly I don't think or believe this is what God wants. I know he wants me to forgive him, so each day I pray for him and for us as parents of the same 4 children. I pray that one day we can both let go of our anger, hatred and bitterness. On the days I backslide, I pray a flower pot falls on his head. Or another (yes another) blender gets thrown at him. Then I repent and ask God for forgiveness. If God can forgive me of all my transgressions, then I can certainly forgive my ex. Forgiveness is not about him, its about me. I don't want anything getting in the way of my relationship with God. Certainly not an ex-husband. So I continue to pray and I daily remind myself to forgive him.

I know this "scribble" was a little long...but it was important and I needed to get it out. Its been on my mind for awhile.

Until the next scribble.....

To Read or Not to Read....

     So this morning, with my usually morning cup of a Java I ran into a blog a friend posted on Facebook, called Fifty Shades of No by Jill Savage. I have been on the fence regarding whether or not to read these books as everyone in every age bracket seems to be lining up to get them. I enjoy a good book as much as the next woman (or male) and a lot of the books I read have a sex scene or two in them, but these books are filled with nothing but pornography from what I can tell. Now as a single mom, I don't feel that I would be in anyway lusting after something that or someone that is not my husband, I am not married. However, the question remains do I really need to subject myself to this type of literature that even a few years ago would probably have not been on the shelf for the general public? Now when the next James Patterson novel comes out for the Alex Cross series.....
    
     When I became a parent my husband-at-the-time and I agreed that the method of do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do parenting was not how we wanted to raise our children. I fear I have back-slid on this a little and need to get back to it. Would I want my children to read these types of books? No. Jill had the right idea when she said that they lead us to unrealistic expectations of what we are suppose to look like, act like and to tell us that the immoral behavior of the characters are OK and we can behave this way and not suffer any consequences. It is time to get back to the saying: As For Me and My House We WILL Serve the Lord. I am not perfect and I sometimes do things that perhaps may not be in line with that statement, but God knows we are not perfect and he loves us anyway. Just as long as we try to live our lives God's way and keep our hearts and homes pure, we will be alright. I still have no idea the direction this blog is going to go, I only know I wanted to start getting back into writing and this was a way for me to do that.

     I realize also that we can go overboard in what is right and good for our hearts and minds, but this is one book series I don't feel compelled to read, nor do I feel that we should be reading this kind of material. It is for everyone to decide what they are going to do, what they are going to read, and for me, I am with Jill Savage on this one, Fifty Shades of NO!

Until the next scribble....