Faith Realizations

I can honestly say that on the day I took my vows, I never saw myself as as a single mother, let alone a single mother without help from their father. I never saw him as the man I see him as now. Never knew how much I could love a person and then hate them just as much. I never wanted to hurt someone as much as I wanted to hurt this person that I loved more than anything. Ever been there? Divorce is a scary place. It shows you a side of yourself that even you never realized was there. I kept asking why God did this to our family, to our marriage.

He didn't. We did. Satan sent people to steal, kill and destroy, and we let these people destroy not only our marriage, but our the home our children felt safe and secure in. Where they felt loved and protected. We took the very foundation of their lives away and for what? For nothing. I can't speak for my ex-husband and I won't try. I am sure he has justified his mistakes and his part in taking away this security from our children. I know he fights his own battles with how we ended our marriage. 

I was young when I got married and I can honestly say I didn't know the first thing about commitment and marriage. About the sacrifices that came with home and family. I am a pretty good mom, and I love my children. I loved my husband, (something I never truly admit, because then I would have to admit to the hurt that came along with what he did). I look at my children and I wonder, who would they be today, had I fought harder for my marriage. Had we taken the time to realize that divorce had never been apart of God's plan for our family. Would they be the same as they are today and honestly I can say No, they wouldn't be. In a sense we broke them, and the sad part is, he doesn't even realize this. They have hurt, anger, bitterness and emotional scars they would not have and it is our fault. Not my fault, not his fault, but ours jointly. We broke the very people we promised to love, protect and keep from harm. 

This was not God's plan for our lives. 

Being a single mom is hard. It sucks. It was never the way it was meant to be. There are times when I want to yell and scream at God for allowing this to happen. For not stopping these people from interfering. When I look back, I blamed only one person and while her part is big, and she alone has to deal with God for her part in my broken family, we do too. We have to admit we gave up, instead of remembering that we promised to love, honor and cherish one another. We promised for better or worse and when worse came, we bailed. I distinctly remember God telling me to fight for my marriage, but I didn't know how. I didn't have the strength to fight and I failed to remember that God is my strength. 

Satan won this battle and we let him. We gave him the tools to do it and he had a field day. 

So what does this have to do with anything? Simple. Faith. I didn't have faith that God would heal what was damaged. I didn't have faith that God would give me the strength to fight for my marriage. My faith was lacking, big time. Not only was my faith lacking, but I gave in the lies and doubts that Satan was telling me. If I could go back, I would. Not just for my children, who deserved to have a mother who would fight for their family, not just her marriage, but for their home; but to undo all the ugliness of that time. To unsay all the hurtful things I said. You see, when I fell hurt or threatened, I attack and not in a nice way. I will aim for where I know it will hurt the most, I will then twist it until it hurts even more and that is what I did. 

Today I look back and realize just how much I had to have hurt this person who once was my life. How much I destroyed the person I loved. We both did this to each other. I gave in to my hurt, my anger, my bitterness and my children paid the ultimate price of that. No, I am not solely to blame, but I can own my part in it. 

What I realize today is God never left us. He never abandoned us and left us to our devices, we just ignored him. We let our worldly views cloud our spiritual ones. What I have learned through this difficult process of being a single mom and completely on my own raising these children, is that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, but I am only strong because my strength, (even when I didn't acknowledge it) comes from God. Phillipians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I can be a single mother. I can raise my kids on my own. I can make a way, where this no way, because it is not me doing it, it is God. He makes the way where there is no way. He gives me the strength to get through each day. 

Someday I may get married again....(there was a time when I wanted absolutely nothing to do with marriage again), and I can take what I have learned with me. However, I will fail again if I don't put God first in the next marriage. God has to come first. God need to be first. When we set our sights on Him, there is nothing we can't overcome. Satan can't destroy a foundation that is built on God's word, God's love and God's promises. I have learned so much about myself and my walk with God in the last little while. I can only pray that one day, I will be the woman God wants me to be. I can say this, I am not going back to the person I had become after my divorce...More on that later! Now its time to get ready and spend the day with my Little Man, to celebrate the miracle of his life...a.k.a his birthday!!! :) 

Until the next Scribble........

Married at First Sight

     We have all done the dating thing at one point or another. We have gone out for coffee, signed up for dating sites and planned dinners out. We take great pains picking out what we are going to wear and what we are going to do with our hair, how our make-up is going to look and then we head out the door only to be stood up or disappointed. 

     Finding that one person who is only meant for you is ridiculously hard. In fact it makes painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel look easy. If we do start to date someone, it is so easy to give up on someone we should probably stay with. "I didn't like what she said", (or in some cases didn't say), "He never puts the toilet seat down" and the excuses go on. Who likes anyone 100% of the time? Uh, that would be no one. Breaking up is so easy to do and commitment, real commitment takes work and effort on both sides. Even marriage is not sacred in our society anymore. Get married, try it out and if you don't like it get divorced. Then comes the television series, Married at First Sight. 

     I admit that at first I was a bit skeptical of the show. I watched it because from a psychological point of view the idea interested me. We have all heard about arranged marriages in other countries and they are popular in some cultures. To have this idea in America seemed a bit odd and intriguing to me. I pictured a bunch of desperate people wanting to find love so badly that they would do anything to find it. I can relate in some ways. Dating sucks. 

     What I found was interesting. The show did not make a mockery of marriage, like a lot of people thought it would. Personality tests and other questionnaires were used in order to match the couples up with one another. They didn't just throw random people together in order to make a show. They took their time and made sure that the people they were putting together were right for each other. 

     David Hinckley writes on the New York Daily News, stated, "human relationships are rarely something you can quantify on paper. Sorry. You just can’t." I would agree with him to some extent. Science and psychology are not enough to make a marriage or a relationship work. What I do believe though, is that with this new perspective on marriage, one might commit to working at something if they have to. While the show does give the option for divorce, I watched three couples try to make something where a few days ago there was nothing, not even a name. They struggled with their issues, emotions and pasts. 

     Jamie and Doug had the most to overcome. Jaime who thought she was ready for this, realized on her wedding day that she was scared and she was not attracted to Doug. She shows us that if you are willing to commit to making something work, you can succeed. She teaches us that marriage is worth fighting for, even when you don't know the person that well. (Let's face it, do we really know the person we are marrying after dating them for years?) This couple as overcame and had the hardest amount of work to do. I also like that Jaime didn't just jump in and have sex with her husband, though she could have, she waited until she was sure she was in this forever. In fact when I was watching the finale and Jaime said she was staying, I yelled, "YES" at the top of my lungs and literally fell off the couch! I was sure she was gone. 

     Monet and Von proved to us that this won't work for everyone. Monet realized that she was more independent that she originally thought and while she wants to be married, she was the kind of wife that Von was looking for. He wanted the traditional marriage (I can relate that is the same type of marriage I am looking for). Women come in all different shapes and sizes and even thinking. Not everyone wants a traditional marriage, even though many think they do at first. I give her a lot of credit for learning more about who she is and what she wants. I give Von credit too. It takes a lot to admit that maybe you didn't put your whole self into it and to know what you want. They were a cute couple though, I will give you that. 

     Courtney and Jason are simply adorable. They had the least amount of work, because they hit it off so well. This is not to say that they didn't work for it. Courtney fought for her man, something we should all do. She committed herself to this marriage and she was in it for the long haul. I knew this couple would stay together. They have a long road ahead of them as all couples do, but I think that this couple is together to stay. 

     Would I do this? I think I would, if I didn't have 4 children. I think having children in this process would make things a bit more difficult, on the other hand if both sides had children, it might make it even more worth fighting for. Dating brings out to many fake sides of each other and sometimes reality does not hit until you are married. You think, "woah who is this monster I married and what happened to the roses and the sweet little things they did?" In this experiment they got it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. There was no hiding it. 

     Here is the bottom line of my opinion, (I would love to do more research on the psychological and scientific aspect of this concept). If you are willing to put in the time, amazingly amount of hard work, and be open and honest with not only the other person, but yourself, then you can make it work, whether you have dated for years, a day or met at the alter. This show gives us a new perspective on marriage and relationships and it proves that nothing will work if the people in it are not in it for the long haul. 

     For me personally, I want a marriage that honors both people committed to it and one that honors God. Marriage is a commitment and a sacrifice. It is putting the needs of the one you love above yours at times and it is being there for better or worse. It is remembering the promise you made to each other to be there in the good times and the bad, to hold each others hand even if you don't always feel like it. It is knowing that no matter what happens, you have someone there who loves you and is going through this with you. At the end of the day I want someone who will pray with me, read the bible with me and know that I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes, but who is willing to stay anyway. That is what marriage is.