A Letter To My Ex-Husband

Dear Ex-Husband

This morning, as I was drinking my morning coffee and reading my bible, I came to a realization that I have not been fair to you. During our marriage I took for granted that you would always be there for the kids and I. The problem was not in your commitment to our marriage, though that definitely, came into question years later after our vows, but the problem was me.

I owe you an apology, probably a few, but we can start with this one. On that September day in 1997 when we promised to love, honor and cherish one another forever, I didn't truly understand what forever meant. I didn't understand the amount of listening, caring and work that came with the word forever. So, I apologize for being to young and clueless to really be able to make a promise of forever when neither of us were truly ready to make forever a reality.

I think about our relationship over the divorced years and occasionally I wonder how we got here. Not how we got divorced, per se, that was all plain and clear, but how we got to a place where we can no longer communicate with each other like rational, civil adults. I think about how we used to sit and talk after the kids were asleep and thats is when I realized, we didn't communicate like normal couples, you were in your garage and I was in the house and we chatted through a computer screen as if we were hundreds of miles away and not in the same house. Now I see, it is a wonder we lasted as long as we did.

I owe you another apology, I am sorry that I didn't work harder to make God the center of our relationship. I admit, I tried, but not with as much effort as I should have. We were doomed to fail the moment we took out the one who brought us together in the first place. Instead of praising Him and thanking Him, we took it upon ourselves to do what we wanted, when we wanted. We didn't seek Him together. Sure we attempted church, but it was half-hearted and never lasted. This is the true reason, our children now have Mom's house and Dad's house. Near the end, we seemed so close, and we were talking and communicating...in person...and I just didn't see what was right in front of my face. Had God been the main ingredient...even over love, in our marriage, I have no doubt that our family would still be together.

There is one thing I will be forever grateful to you for. You gave me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me, our children. These amazing children, who occasionally remind me of you with their silly play on the pronuciation of words, with their eyes that resemble yours, and the boys whose hair is definitely a gift from you. Our oldest daughter reminds me of you on a daily basis, with her flair for all things I can't stand...electronics, programming and robotics. For a few glimpses in each day I do fondly think of you when I look at them,

It has taken me years to see what I should have seen a long time ago. I am no longer angry, just sad that our kids no longer have you in their lives. Is it anger on your part? Bitterness? Regret? I don't know. The beauty of divorce is that I don't need to know, but your children miss you. I don't blame you for wanting out of our miserable excuse for a marriage, and for what I do blame you for, I have given over to God, because it is more than I can deal with on my own.

It saddens me when I see all that you have missed out on. All that you will continue to miss out on and for reasons, I simply do not understand. I pray for you daily, and for you to one day soon realize what is right in front of you...your children. They love you, they miss you and they need you just as much as they need me.

So why is it that I can write this to you in a blog, but not tell you in person? There was, I admit, a lack of face-to-face communication in our marriage, but there was a time, that no matter what was going on, I could tell you anything. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it wasn't horrible either. I wonder if you remember the awe, excitement and fear when we brought our daughter home for the first time? Do you think about they way she responded, even in the hospital room, to your voice? Or the curious, almost fearful way, you asked the nurse, "You mean we just take her home? Your just going to let us walk out of her with her?" Its memories like these that make me smile.

I can't hate you, even when I want to hate you and the world would most definitely understand my hatred towards you. With all the bitter and ugly things that have been said, I can't hate you. I have four little reasons why I could never hate you. They are the best part of both us and the best part of our marriage.

I do hope that you are happy.

With Warm thoughts and Well wishes,

Your Ex-wife

Country Life

Matthew 6:26-34 - Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don;t worry about these things saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously and He will give you everything you need. So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will brings its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today. (NLT)

What do the sounds of roosters crowing, (do roosters crow?), the smell of dirt and manure, and the sight of barns have in common? Country Life of course. Most of you readers know that I am a self-proclaimed city girl. I preferred the sight of buildings, the crowds of eclectic people walking about their busy lives and even the sirens signaling that something is not quite kosher somewhere in the city. The sights and sounds of life happening everywhere you look and even where you don't look. 

So what is it about being in the country that makes one want to start a garden, make jelly and other various canning items and for kids to want to have cows and chickens? The view is very different from the city views I have preferred. 

Our Barn....yup there is a barn! :) 

This view is from the walk M and I took yesterday! It was literally the first gorgeous day we have had since arriving in Oregon. Most days have been foggy and dreary and then rainy and gloomy. Being here makes me want to do things I have never wanted to do before. Hiking, something I have kind of wanted to do, but never really gotten into. Bugs, poison oak, creepy crawly things and so on have prevented me from becoming much of an outdoors girl and yet, living in the country makes me want to do all of them. 

Seriously I want to plant a garden, grow herbs (the legal kind, the ones you cook with, not the kind that I know came to mind), and can. I want to make soaps, and candles, and homemade everything! You all know how much I love to cook (at least I think you do?!) and I just want to spend my days in the kitchen creating and feeding my kids. Weird, right? 

M on our walk yesterday! 

Even waking up early and reading my bible is more enjoyable. Delving into the word and being close to God gets easier each day. I love my prayer time and learning more about myself and my walk with God. It is so easy to see God in everything around me. The wild flowers that He made beautiful, the birds that He feeds and He created. The mountains and the trees and all the life that is actually happening and all without sirens! 

Yesterday during our walk A, who rode his bike way ahead of us, cam back to tell M that there were fireman at his school and I actually felt safe letting them walk to the school without me! M had a blast  and came home to tell me all about how they let him on the truck and he got to see the inside of the fire truck and they told them about the training and even invited them to the fire station anytime they wanted to go! M is ecstatic. I guess we will need to make cookies and bring them to the fire station so M can visit a fire station! 

The path may be rocky and narrow, but if
it is a God created path, then it is
the right path. 

We have entered a whole new phase of life for our family and I can't wait to see what God has in store for us. Being here is like seeing Matthew 6:24-34 in real time, not just in word form. He does provide for the flowers of the field, for the birds and animals that roam the ground and the sky. He provides for them and they don't worry about a thing! So why should we? Being out here you can see this verse come to life! 

I am on a new path, creating new memories and creating stability for my children. (Finding a job will totally help with that). This path is not always clear, it is rocky and appears to be narrow and going nowhere. It is a struggle sometimes to put one foot in front of the next and go on, but as sure as I am sitting here, I know that God will provide. I many not like this situation very much, but I love and trust God and I know He is here guiding the path. 

Now, seriously, I need to consider this garden idea and figure out where to put my herb garden that I must have! (I had on in Cali too!) I love herbs and every cook needs an herb garden! :) Life is full of surprises! Keep you faith, turn to God and nothing is impossible! 

Until the next Scribble.........

P.S. The fog is back and it is thick as molasses!!! :) 

Setting Goals...

So today I set goals for my writing and my blogging. While I have a book idea started and in the works my main goals are to get more followers for my blog! Okay I know there are those of you out there in cyberland, drinking your coffee, tea, or cocoa, and reading my blog! So post it! Share it! Follow it!!! Seriously!! :) If you have a blog, tell me about it! Leave comments, I do read them! Let's get this blog out there!! :) Especially if you enjoy it, or you know of someone who would! This is not the time to hold tight to your secretly favorite blog like you do your old family spaghetti recipe that you tell no one about!!! I am definitely over using the exclamation mark, a grammar no-no but the situation calls for dramatization.

Okay, Okay, enough shamelessly trying to get you to follow and share! :)

Back to goals! While I do have a couple book ideas brewing in my mind, I decided to focus on first getting my blog our there and creating content that my readers (and FOLLOWERS!) want to read. Also, I decided that when it comes to my writing goals (Yup, I do know that blogging is writing, but it is separate for me goal wise), to focus on starting small. So my other focus will be articles. I created separate goals for both. One of my goals is to tell two people to help me accountable to my goals, but hey, posting it on my blog for the world to see, even better. So help hold me accountable. I am going to also tell two close friends who I know and pray will help me stick to my goals.

I love to write, Getting a little worn out on writing research papers and things for school, but for the most part I enjoy research and writing, because I learn so much. I put off writing for many reasons, fear being one of them, something I am overcoming and deleting from my life. God is a big part of this riddance of fear in my life. Now I know that lately I have posted many blogs focusing on my walk with God and trusting God, even you religious non-believers can get something out of my posts. Its about my walk with God, Yes, but it is also about the struggles of being a single parent, (which you may or may not know about), and life in general. It is about looking towards the future and not letting your past define your future or define who you are. Certainly it helps to shape us into the person we are today, but we are not defined by it.

So I have my goals and you have yours....to share and to actually be a follower of my blog. In some cases, like this one, it is OK to be a follower! I am a follower of Jesus, that is another time it is OK to be a follower.

Until the next Scribble.....

PS I woke up to a gorgeous morning....our first morning here in 13 days that it was not foggy when I woke up.

Juggling Single Motherhood

Okay, so I am going to switch things up a bit. Change is still the theme of this year, in fact, I made it my theme word for this year. This year is all about change. 

However, today was crazy. The washer is acting wonky, the kids are restless and this mommy is just tired. School work, house cleaning, getting the house in order after having moved, doing this, doing that and looking for a job and all while trying to keep my sanity and the kids alive. Vodka/Cranberry anyone? 

When I was married and had kids and was a stay-at-home mom I often wondered how single mom's did it. I had a ton of respect (and still do) for those mom's that did it all on their own. How did they get it all done? A question I often pondered. Now that I have been a single mom for many years, I can say, they don't. That and they don't sleep. When I had a husband who did all the "guy" stuff and I did all the "mom/girl" stuff, it wasn't perfect or always easy, but it was easier. The responsibilities were split in half and mom even got a girls night out on Friday's twice a month.

Single moms have to be both mom and dad. Seriously for some of us this hard to do. I know nothing about being a dad. I can't fish, hunt, or work on a car. I can't play baseball or football and I mix up whether a game has quarters or innings. With a that has to be done in a day, something is going to get left out, forgotten or undone. I just hope it is not a kid. Forgetting or losing your kids is seriously frowned upon. Have you ever lost your child for a second in a store? Did you see all those people staring at you like you were a bad mother? I know I have and I did! 

Today, I just felt like a crazy white woman trying to keep it all together, and failing. Who can do it all? No one. Even the ones that look like they have it all together and that they get nothing wrong, do mess up and they do forget things. They even lose a child in the store once in awhile. No one is perfect and no one can get it all done. I don't need vodka/cranberry, I have God. He tells me I am worth it, imperfections and all. With Him, I can do all things for He is the one who gives me strength. My help, my strength, my hope, and my will to keep going, all comes from Him. 

Most days it is a juggling act. Who needs to be where. K has Robotics, S has bowling, M has baseball, A is where? Right, E's house. Church is on Sunday's, get up get four kids ready and out the door. Did S go to H's house? Or did she go to E's house? Where can I squeeze groceries in and did I do all the assignments for school only to now have to help M with his homework. Scheduling is a nightmare with 4 active children and a mom. Drop K off at Band, Pick S up from Boys and Girls club, take A to youth group. The schedule juggling act. 

Now....

Most days I just fall into bed. I don't even always remember doing it, it just happens. Today, for example was non-stop fighting, and not listening to mom. The wonky washing machine made me throw all the clothes in the van and head to the laundromat. Killing two birds with one trip to town, when the clothes were all in the dryer we went to Walmart to get a few miscellaneous items. M was definitely bored with our outing and acted up a bit. Then of course there was the fighting and no one wanting to clean up....even after a thousand "Hey do this" from mom. It was one of those days you seriously consider selling those precious, adorable children to gypsy's. 

Well, I guess it is that time...time for this tired mom to go to bed. 

Until the next Scribble........

P.S. I totally just realized I need to shave my legs....add it to the list of things to do tomorrow!!! 

Change is Good

Change can be scary and it can be good. I know that a lot of these posts lately are dealing with change. As single parents we are not unfamiliar with change, our whole lives became about change when we became single parents. This year, for my family, is all about change and new beginnings. I hope that includes the kids getting more in touch with their father, but that is out of my hands and my control. I leave that in God's very capable hands. Like I leave a lot things that are out of my control.

So much has changed lately. Some good and some sad. For example it was pointed out to me that a friend of mine can't just call up and say, "Hey lets go to the movies or meet me at _____ for lunch," and for a second that made me sad. However, it also means that this friend misses me. Which puts a big cheesy smile on my face. It is good to be missed.

We are learning to navigate around a new area. Establishing new routines and making new connections. So instead of shying away from change, embrace it. Believe it or not, I am not a very social or outgoing person. I am very introverted, okay maybe not as introverted as the girl in the Disney movie my son just watched called Radio Rebel, but definitely an introverted personality. After 35 years perhaps it is time to shed the introverted and embrace the extroverted. Every introvert personality has some part of their personality that is extrovert and vice versa.

There are so many things I have to figure out as far as scheduling and getting a job, but I am not worried, because so far all things have pretty much fallen into place where this move has been concerned.

You can always start small where change is concerned. Paint your room a bold color. Go to the salon and get a new hair color. Your change can be as big or a little as you want to make it.

Moving... :)

The packing and getting things organized, deciding what to take and what to throw out or give away and adjusting are all such fun aspects of moving. In all reality I like moving. Experiencing a new place, meeting new people and a new house, etc....

We are all slowly getting back into a routine and things will be normal soon. K starts school tomorrow and will be learning a whole new routine and will hopefully adjust....she is not a fan of change. S loves her new school and has already made a couple of new friends. M is adjusting, but misses his old school and his teacher. A is still waiting to start school, as they are looking to see which of the 3 schools in their one school will be the best fit for him. 

For a girl who loves the city, she has moved from one rural area to another, albeit a prettier one. There is one road here that seems to go on forever....and ever..... to the point that you think you somehow passed where you were supposed to go, but you didn't. There is a lot of distance between places. 

School started back up for this mom yesterday as well, meaning things will feel a bit more normal now. 

Well as much as I would like to write a longer post, morning comes early and my eyes are telling me it is time to go to sleep....Good night. :) Maybe, just maybe tomorrow's post will be wittier and longer. Before you all get on me for not having written a post in two days in a row, I already know. :) I may have to go duck shooting if these ducks don't stop quacking! Don't they know it is time to sleep. Sheesh! 

Until the next Scribble........

A Short Hello

A post a day for a year, this proves to be harder than I thought it would be. Today was a fairly quiet Sunday. K will be here Tuesday and I can't wait til she gets here. I miss her. There is still so much to do and so much to figure out, but I have faith that it will be figured out. 

I am ending the day with Romeo and Juliet. Such a great play, and movie. Shakespeare had many great writings, but Romeo and Juliet has always been my favorite. Such a tragic love story. I have always assumed that love should be easy and it should just work, but I have learned that love should not be a fight, but it is worth fighting for. Romeo and Juliet, though fictional characters, didn't fight for their love, they ended it on a misunderstanding. I love the costumes and the way in which they speak. Such a great story, even if the ending is sad. 

Tonght's post is going to be short. Sleeping in a new place is never easy and I haven't fallen asleep early since arriving here. So I am going to end here, go read my bible and head to bed. Hope everyone has a blessed evening. 

Until the next Scribble....

Change...So necessary

So ends another day in Oregon.

I have never been a fan of change, I like things to stay the same. Routines have always been a great thing as far as I was concerned. Lately though I have begun to hate routine and things not changing. Maybe that is God telling me its time for change. I remember the minister we had when I was in high school telling me that "change comes because change is wanted". Of course as a teenager I didn't really understand what God was trying to tell me, but as an adult I can understand what that phrase means. 

This move seems a little crazy to most people, but it was necessary for this family. We needed change for so many reasons. A little distance never hurt anyone, and in this case will be good. I am totally going to miss my Papa though. Back to change. I definitely wanted this change, and I believe that God made this change possible, even though looking at it with human eyes, it seems a little crazy. I made this change because I wanted things to change and nothing changes if we stay in the same place, doing the same things over and over. In fact that is the definition of insanity. Doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome. 

So Monday I am taking the kids to get signed up for their new schools...provided the water is fixed...no shower might be scary for a first day of a any school day let alone the first day at a new school. I am a little sad that Matthew will be leaving his totally awesome school in California, but excited for the new changes this family is about to experience. The first step is....making the decision to change. Taking the first step in changing a situation can be scary. Here is to change...to new beginnings and learning new things! Hey, I have already learned how to put in pvc pipes...now if only I can get the stop leaking in new places. However, I have a friend who will be here tomorrow to fix the problem for me...love him. 

Life without change is like a cup without coffee...empty and boring. So get out there, make changes, do new things and live your life. Don't sit back and watch it fly by. Live! Take God with you and things will just fall into place and even the tough times won't seem so tough. With God, all things are possible and nothing, absolutely nothing is impossible. 

Until the next Scribble......

My new view from my front door....<3

Welcome to Oregon....

If you will recall, the pipes broke last night...thanks to the weather. O Joy! So today has been a lesson in learning for this city girl. Sounds likes a cheesy chick flick right? Life is about lessons right?! Just another lesson in trusting in God. This morning I read 1 Peter 1:6-25 which talks about trusting in God.
"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you must endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that you faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold - though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 1:6-7.

Trial 1: A tiny crack in a pipe, who knew it could cause so much trouble! I do...now! Haha! When I woke up this morning and saw this little crack, I thought, "Okay Elle, you got this, you can handle it!" So off to this great little place called Rainey's and meeting some really great and helpful staff there! Bought the parts I needed and headed back to the house. This girl is on fire, she is armed with parts, a plan and headed home to get some water going! This my friend, is optimism at its finest. This city girl, who just wants to turn on the faucet and have water come out, or flush the toilet and actually have it flush, is going to do a very non-city girl task!

Which brings us to this picture...I actually cut off a section of pipe! Me! yup seriously I did it! There was some excitement, I am not gonna lie. I was like a kid in a candy shop. I saw a problem, and I was about to fix it...(okay thanks to some really great people, who showed me what I needed..from the photo above..and told me what I needed to do). I was about to do something that a few hours ago, was out of my comfort zone and certainly out of my capability. Trials are these nasty little test that strengthen us and make us capable of enduring more, and being way more excited for the small, little victories. From a small crack, to a section of pipe being told good-bye, and hello to a new section being, not-so-expertly put into place.

Waaalaa!! I did it. I actually put on a new section of pipe. I faced my trial and I conquered it. Even went into the house to have a cup of much needed coffee and waited for the glue to dry (even though it said quick drying, I was willing to give it some more time to dry. The new patient me, who can kick butt and put in new pipe.

Then we flipped the switch to turn the water back on, it appeared as if all was well, went into the house to flush a toilet in great need of being flushed and heard, "Mom!"

So what do I see. Water. Something I should definitely not being seeing now that my pretty new section of pipe has been put in and looks very nice, I might add. But wait, it is not water from the same spot, but from another spot altogether. Happy Happy Joy Joy. So back to the truly awesome, if you live in the area, you should definitely go there, store and to the incredibly awesome staff that they have. This is truly the one stop shop for anything you need, and they are definitely not afraid to help you find it. I was told to talk to the "tall guy" whose description does him justice. He is tall. O hey and above is a picture of this great store I visited multiple times today. I can't say enough how much I love this place today!! Simply the best! Need a rabbit? They have three. Need toy tractors (M thinks he does), they have plenty. Need pipe materials, they have those galore!

So this is what the next cutting job was. It was not difficult but I did manage to scrape my finger when I was cutting a new section of pipe to put on here. Another section of pipe...gone. This girl is getting great at using a saw. Admittedly this project is not as hard as it looks. It took me all of about 30 minutes to cut the pipe, measure a new piece, cut the new piece and glue in the new pieces Looks great right? Right. The water should definitely be working now...or not.


So this is the new problem. Fix one problem and hello to a new problem. It is as if, the ole pieces are saying, "Hey I want to be new again too. So I am going to spray you with water continuously, so that you have to replace my pipe too. So now the water is spraying out the bottom. Welcome to Oregon, California girl! Of course you know what this means, right? Another picture and another trip to Rainey's! Literally, they now know my first name!


 In the picture below you can see the new pipe is put into place and now there is yet another problem. A new place for water to spew out all over the place. Yeah me! What is a girl to do? Well for starters, shut off the water. This project is going to have to wait another day. After all the kids like to eat and at the taking of this picture it was dinner time.
God gives us these trials to test us. Just like it says in the verse. He wants to know that we will remain faithful to him, regardless of what we are facing. It is how we keep our faith in the tough times that shows just how faithful we are. It is so easy to be faithful when everything is going great, but not so easy when every time you turn around, another section of pipe is leaking and all you want to do at this point is take a shower. So now I must say good night. Tomorrow will begin day three of our new life in Oregon and day 2 of trying to get water. Welcome to Oregon...I know God has this! He is just testing us. Do I know what for? No, I don't, but I know what ever it is, I can't wait to find out. Through it all, God is good.

New Year...New Changes....

Here is to the beginning of a brand new year and 365 blank pages in which to fill. What will your 365 day story say? I look forward to finding out what ours will look like.

Today, Jan 1, 2015 begins a new chapter in our lives. We moved from California to Oregon and into our own home. (Okay so we are renting it from a friend of mine, but it is ours). Change can be scary, but it is filled with a sense of awe and excitement as well.

We made the four hour drive from California to Oregon with my sister-in-law Ashley! Love her! The kids and I are getting settled in and looking forward to a new chapter in our lives. 2014 was not our greatest year and we faced some pretty interesting times...(its a nice way of saying it sucked monkey butt).

God is so good, not just some of the time, but all of the time. I don't have all the answers to how this is going to work, I just have faith that it is going to work. I know, because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. He is our provider and as it says in Matthew 6:26-34 He will provide as long as we cast our worry and have faith in Him. I know its not going to be easy, but He doesn't promise easy, but I do know that is going to be worth it and I know, that in the end I will have what I want. This family is going to be okay.

So on our first night in Oregon, I got soaking wet, discovering that there was a busted pipe. Guess what I will be doing tomorrow??!! I am discouraged, though normally I would be...so see I have changed!!! :) Out with the old, in with the new! Life is good, God is good and all is right in our little part of the world tonight.

So as I lay down tonight, the question I ponder is....where the heck are the remotes for the TV's, how is a city girl going to fix water pipes and do I write a new post every day for 365 days to fill these blank pages or do I write one a week for 52 weeks? Okay, so there are questions that I need to ponder. Any suggestions on the answers??? Have a good night and God Bless!

Until the next Scribble......