Dear Ex-Husband
This morning, as I was drinking my morning coffee and reading my bible, I came to a realization that I have not been fair to you. During our marriage I took for granted that you would always be there for the kids and I. The problem was not in your commitment to our marriage, though that definitely, came into question years later after our vows, but the problem was me.
I owe you an apology, probably a few, but we can start with this one. On that September day in 1997 when we promised to love, honor and cherish one another forever, I didn't truly understand what forever meant. I didn't understand the amount of listening, caring and work that came with the word forever. So, I apologize for being to young and clueless to really be able to make a promise of forever when neither of us were truly ready to make forever a reality.
I think about our relationship over the divorced years and occasionally I wonder how we got here. Not how we got divorced, per se, that was all plain and clear, but how we got to a place where we can no longer communicate with each other like rational, civil adults. I think about how we used to sit and talk after the kids were asleep and thats is when I realized, we didn't communicate like normal couples, you were in your garage and I was in the house and we chatted through a computer screen as if we were hundreds of miles away and not in the same house. Now I see, it is a wonder we lasted as long as we did.
I owe you another apology, I am sorry that I didn't work harder to make God the center of our relationship. I admit, I tried, but not with as much effort as I should have. We were doomed to fail the moment we took out the one who brought us together in the first place. Instead of praising Him and thanking Him, we took it upon ourselves to do what we wanted, when we wanted. We didn't seek Him together. Sure we attempted church, but it was half-hearted and never lasted. This is the true reason, our children now have Mom's house and Dad's house. Near the end, we seemed so close, and we were talking and communicating...in person...and I just didn't see what was right in front of my face. Had God been the main ingredient...even over love, in our marriage, I have no doubt that our family would still be together.
There is one thing I will be forever grateful to you for. You gave me the greatest gift anyone has ever given me, our children. These amazing children, who occasionally remind me of you with their silly play on the pronuciation of words, with their eyes that resemble yours, and the boys whose hair is definitely a gift from you. Our oldest daughter reminds me of you on a daily basis, with her flair for all things I can't stand...electronics, programming and robotics. For a few glimpses in each day I do fondly think of you when I look at them,
It has taken me years to see what I should have seen a long time ago. I am no longer angry, just sad that our kids no longer have you in their lives. Is it anger on your part? Bitterness? Regret? I don't know. The beauty of divorce is that I don't need to know, but your children miss you. I don't blame you for wanting out of our miserable excuse for a marriage, and for what I do blame you for, I have given over to God, because it is more than I can deal with on my own.
It saddens me when I see all that you have missed out on. All that you will continue to miss out on and for reasons, I simply do not understand. I pray for you daily, and for you to one day soon realize what is right in front of you...your children. They love you, they miss you and they need you just as much as they need me.
So why is it that I can write this to you in a blog, but not tell you in person? There was, I admit, a lack of face-to-face communication in our marriage, but there was a time, that no matter what was going on, I could tell you anything. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but it wasn't horrible either. I wonder if you remember the awe, excitement and fear when we brought our daughter home for the first time? Do you think about they way she responded, even in the hospital room, to your voice? Or the curious, almost fearful way, you asked the nurse, "You mean we just take her home? Your just going to let us walk out of her with her?" Its memories like these that make me smile.
I can't hate you, even when I want to hate you and the world would most definitely understand my hatred towards you. With all the bitter and ugly things that have been said, I can't hate you. I have four little reasons why I could never hate you. They are the best part of both us and the best part of our marriage.
I do hope that you are happy.
With Warm thoughts and Well wishes,
Your Ex-wife
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