Yesterday, having been my birthday I thought it might be a cause to reflect...a little. It has been a rough year, but in many ways a blessed year....but still a very rough year. Things absolutely did not go my way, I have had new experiences, some pleasant and some that make me go WTH was I thinking? Seriously? I did THAT!?
I am not a perfect mom, and I don't ever plan to be....simply because it is not possible. I have tried. I have worn myself out from sheer exhaustion trying. I am not the perfect daughter....I get mad, I say things I don't necessarily mean and well, we don't get to choose our family do we? I am not the perfect sister....I get mad to easily to be, but I love my siblings regardless...just won't put them on my Facebook anymore. I have loved, and I have lost, but this last year has shown me that regardless of what happens....family is the most important.
So what have I learned this year....
1) God loves us regardless of our mistakes and will forgive us, if we ask.
2) Patience is a virtue that I DO NOT possess.
3) Just because you know what you want, does not mean you will get it.
4) Being the perfect mom is not about to happen
5) I like being single....but there are days it sucks.
6) My children are my life
7) With 4 children, its a good thing I like being single (most days) because no wants to take on these 4!
8) Life is not what you make it, but how you deal with what is thrown at you shows what kind of person you are. Stuff happens beyond your control. Deal with it, get mad, cry, move on.
9) The person you divorced will constantly amaze you and contradict the person you thought he/she was.
10) Vodka makes everything go away for awhile, add cranberry juice and it makes it a lot sweeter and easier to swallow.
We all live our lives worried about whether we are doing it right. If you are happy you are fine. I still want the condo in San Francisco, the perfect house, the perfect family, the perfect everything.....but I have the perfect children...for me and as long as they are healthy and happy, my life is good. The occasional Vodka cranberry bliss will suffice as an escape from the mundane.....and I do mean occasional!
Until the next Scribble..............
Scribbles On The Wall. A Mom. 4 Children. Creating a A New Life
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Midnight writing....
So it's midnight and I can't sleep. The kids are all asleep, the house is clean, my school work is done and here I am drinking a cup of tea, wondering why I am still up. The burners are all off, the doors are locked, I didn't forget anything, but something is off.
As I sit here I realize that I have changed. The person I am today is not the girl I was when I got married. I have grown a lot in the last six years. I would never have described myself as strong, but I am. I know many people have told me I was, but I just always assumed its what people say when they want you to feel better about the crappy situation you are in, but they are right, and I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
I am a lot "softer" in some ways than I was before. Not really sure when that happened, but there it is. I am not the idealistic girl I was when I got married either. The one who believed that happily ever after was real, or who believe that love was all that matters, that if you have love, you can get through anything. I don't see the world through rose colored glasses, but I do believe that no matter what you have been through, there is always something better. At least I would like to believe that. In this way I am a lot harder than I was before too.
I can look back and remember the good times we had as a family and realize, it was not all bad. The bad just over clouded the good and there was no going back. Sometimes, even when you love someone, you just have to let them go. Apart of me will always love him. Without him, I would not have the 4 beautiful children I have. For that I could never truly hate him. I want to, but the best parts of both of us are in them and therefore I can't hate him. (this is that softer side I was talking about). K has her dad's sensitive side, but she hides it really well. S is extremely sensitive to. A has his love of things technical and for the outdoors. M unfortunately never got to be around him, so he doesn't portray any of the characteristics, but he does look a lot like him, and I see his dad in him every day.
I am a lot more independent than I was at 18 or even 25. However, that is more so because I have had to be. I don't like being dependant on anyone, and I know that part of that is not want to let anyone in. I have to do it for myself and for my children. I have to know that I can make it on my own.
It can be hard to separate the mom from the individual to see that I am not just a mom, but I am a person aside from that. She kind of gets lost in the day to day Mom activities, but she is there. She's the part of me that enjoys going to San Francisco just because and not for any particular reason except that she loves it there. She is the girl that can throw routine out the window for a day (but only a day, any more than that and functioning becomes difficult). She is not wild or the party type, but she is her own identity aside from being Mom.
The tea is gone and I am feeling a little drowsy. I could go on, but maybe another time. The house is eerily quiet, without the kids fighting and bickering and the dog barking. So I guess I will say goodnight...or good morning, which ever you prefer and go to bed! Hopefully sleep will ensue, as I have to be awake in 6 hours.
Until the next Scribble......
As I sit here I realize that I have changed. The person I am today is not the girl I was when I got married. I have grown a lot in the last six years. I would never have described myself as strong, but I am. I know many people have told me I was, but I just always assumed its what people say when they want you to feel better about the crappy situation you are in, but they are right, and I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
I am a lot "softer" in some ways than I was before. Not really sure when that happened, but there it is. I am not the idealistic girl I was when I got married either. The one who believed that happily ever after was real, or who believe that love was all that matters, that if you have love, you can get through anything. I don't see the world through rose colored glasses, but I do believe that no matter what you have been through, there is always something better. At least I would like to believe that. In this way I am a lot harder than I was before too.
I can look back and remember the good times we had as a family and realize, it was not all bad. The bad just over clouded the good and there was no going back. Sometimes, even when you love someone, you just have to let them go. Apart of me will always love him. Without him, I would not have the 4 beautiful children I have. For that I could never truly hate him. I want to, but the best parts of both of us are in them and therefore I can't hate him. (this is that softer side I was talking about). K has her dad's sensitive side, but she hides it really well. S is extremely sensitive to. A has his love of things technical and for the outdoors. M unfortunately never got to be around him, so he doesn't portray any of the characteristics, but he does look a lot like him, and I see his dad in him every day.
I am a lot more independent than I was at 18 or even 25. However, that is more so because I have had to be. I don't like being dependant on anyone, and I know that part of that is not want to let anyone in. I have to do it for myself and for my children. I have to know that I can make it on my own.
It can be hard to separate the mom from the individual to see that I am not just a mom, but I am a person aside from that. She kind of gets lost in the day to day Mom activities, but she is there. She's the part of me that enjoys going to San Francisco just because and not for any particular reason except that she loves it there. She is the girl that can throw routine out the window for a day (but only a day, any more than that and functioning becomes difficult). She is not wild or the party type, but she is her own identity aside from being Mom.
The tea is gone and I am feeling a little drowsy. I could go on, but maybe another time. The house is eerily quiet, without the kids fighting and bickering and the dog barking. So I guess I will say goodnight...or good morning, which ever you prefer and go to bed! Hopefully sleep will ensue, as I have to be awake in 6 hours.
Until the next Scribble......
Friday, September 7, 2012
Punishments for kids are really punishments for Parents...
Over my morning cup of coffee I got a brainstorm. A has ADD and effectively surprises me daily. I don't know if I am getting my sweet Mr. Man who loves his mom and is generally happy, or the demon child who can rip a door off its hinges in a tantrum big enough to rival the sinking of the Titanic. So while I was drinking my coffee, I decided that after our latest storm, he needs to be back on a routine...DUH Mom! Summer was typically slow and lazy for us, which is a nice change from the school year craziness of band, scouts, and whatever else they choose!
So here is what I did, I limited television time to 1 hour a day on the weekdays and no video games at all on the weekends. No friends houses during the week and Mom is going back to scheduling everything...UH O Kids. Well a week into this and it's UH O Mom! It has effectively and ultimately been the week from hell! While this was not a punishment, it is a way to cut down on the tantrums and not listening...this kid needs routine...all kids need it, but this child, like his Mama needs it!
I ruined his life....yes because television and shooting people on a game is your life. I put a roof over your head, feed you, cloth you and give you what you need and try my damnedest to get you what you want and I ruined your life. My bad for carrying for you for 9 months and then torturing myself by pushing you out so you can have life....oops!! My bad! Because lets face it Mr. Man, that is where your life began.....
I am the worst mom ever...mean...horrible. Yes, that is me (especially before my coffee in the morning...look out) I am so mean that I don't abuse you, don't starve you (at least not intentionally, I mean there are days I go, oops I forgot to give them breakfast...well in my defense, they didn't ask for it either). I read with you at night, cook you meals, bake you stuff, find money for your book fair and I am the worst mom ever...tell that to the kid who has nothing and whose dad is drunk all the time and whose mom hits him and leaves him alone all the time....bet he will trade your hugs and kisses for his beatings and the fighting in his house...yup!
Speaking of which that Vodka Cranberry is starting to sound good right now! Of course its not even 8am in the morning, so that is out of the question...if only I could be one of THOSE moms! The perfectionist in me won't allow it! HA!
Then I started to think about the punishments we give our children. Yes, in theory its for their benefit to learn the rules, to learn discipline and respect...bla bla bla....yet its always more of a punishment for us....the whining, complaining, crying, yelling, tantrum throwing and all because they can not watch TV for a week....OMGoodness whatever will you do? O go outside and play...fresh air, grass, ride a bike....all the things kids did before the Playstation....the playground you know was the original Playstation.....and we wonder why kids are obese these days! Its called the couch and video games while snacking on Cheetos! UGH! Spare me. So the headache ensues because the kids won't be quiet (I'd say shut up, but that is worth .10 in the swear jar) and your trying to get dinner ready, (bad mom that you are) and help the other child with their homework, which by the way you now need to go back to the 6th grade to learn...Can write a college paper on the fundamentals of policing and due process vs. crime control model, but you can no longer divide decimals thanks to them changing the method on you! WTH!?
BRB...need more coffee.....
OK, so now you are pulling your hair out, wondering why you took their games away in the first place? Did you really think they were going to pick up a book and OMGoodness...READ? Yup you did! Silly! So after the 5th time asking them to do something and they say only if you give me my gameboy back, you (Yup here comes horrible mom rearing her ugly head) You yell, "if you don't get you a$$ in here and clean this up and do as your told, your gameboy gets it! The homeless kid with the abusive parents is going to get it! O wait, that's gonna be you in two seconds." BTW loosing like that even for a second, is bad, but its gets the message across and the shock factor is great! However, just so you know, punishing your children is also a punishment for yourself! YES! Your mom was right, you will be paid back for all the times you messed with her! Ha ha! Joy!
Until the Next Scribble.......
So here is what I did, I limited television time to 1 hour a day on the weekdays and no video games at all on the weekends. No friends houses during the week and Mom is going back to scheduling everything...UH O Kids. Well a week into this and it's UH O Mom! It has effectively and ultimately been the week from hell! While this was not a punishment, it is a way to cut down on the tantrums and not listening...this kid needs routine...all kids need it, but this child, like his Mama needs it!
I ruined his life....yes because television and shooting people on a game is your life. I put a roof over your head, feed you, cloth you and give you what you need and try my damnedest to get you what you want and I ruined your life. My bad for carrying for you for 9 months and then torturing myself by pushing you out so you can have life....oops!! My bad! Because lets face it Mr. Man, that is where your life began.....
I am the worst mom ever...mean...horrible. Yes, that is me (especially before my coffee in the morning...look out) I am so mean that I don't abuse you, don't starve you (at least not intentionally, I mean there are days I go, oops I forgot to give them breakfast...well in my defense, they didn't ask for it either). I read with you at night, cook you meals, bake you stuff, find money for your book fair and I am the worst mom ever...tell that to the kid who has nothing and whose dad is drunk all the time and whose mom hits him and leaves him alone all the time....bet he will trade your hugs and kisses for his beatings and the fighting in his house...yup!
Speaking of which that Vodka Cranberry is starting to sound good right now! Of course its not even 8am in the morning, so that is out of the question...if only I could be one of THOSE moms! The perfectionist in me won't allow it! HA!
Then I started to think about the punishments we give our children. Yes, in theory its for their benefit to learn the rules, to learn discipline and respect...bla bla bla....yet its always more of a punishment for us....the whining, complaining, crying, yelling, tantrum throwing and all because they can not watch TV for a week....OMGoodness whatever will you do? O go outside and play...fresh air, grass, ride a bike....all the things kids did before the Playstation....the playground you know was the original Playstation.....and we wonder why kids are obese these days! Its called the couch and video games while snacking on Cheetos! UGH! Spare me. So the headache ensues because the kids won't be quiet (I'd say shut up, but that is worth .10 in the swear jar) and your trying to get dinner ready, (bad mom that you are) and help the other child with their homework, which by the way you now need to go back to the 6th grade to learn...Can write a college paper on the fundamentals of policing and due process vs. crime control model, but you can no longer divide decimals thanks to them changing the method on you! WTH!?
BRB...need more coffee.....
OK, so now you are pulling your hair out, wondering why you took their games away in the first place? Did you really think they were going to pick up a book and OMGoodness...READ? Yup you did! Silly! So after the 5th time asking them to do something and they say only if you give me my gameboy back, you (Yup here comes horrible mom rearing her ugly head) You yell, "if you don't get you a$$ in here and clean this up and do as your told, your gameboy gets it! The homeless kid with the abusive parents is going to get it! O wait, that's gonna be you in two seconds." BTW loosing like that even for a second, is bad, but its gets the message across and the shock factor is great! However, just so you know, punishing your children is also a punishment for yourself! YES! Your mom was right, you will be paid back for all the times you messed with her! Ha ha! Joy!
Until the Next Scribble.......
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