So it's midnight and I can't sleep. The kids are all asleep, the house is clean, my school work is done and here I am drinking a cup of tea, wondering why I am still up. The burners are all off, the doors are locked, I didn't forget anything, but something is off.
As I sit here I realize that I have changed. The person I am today is not the girl I was when I got married. I have grown a lot in the last six years. I would never have described myself as strong, but I am. I know many people have told me I was, but I just always assumed its what people say when they want you to feel better about the crappy situation you are in, but they are right, and I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
I am a lot "softer" in some ways than I was before. Not really sure when that happened, but there it is. I am not the idealistic girl I was when I got married either. The one who believed that happily ever after was real, or who believe that love was all that matters, that if you have love, you can get through anything. I don't see the world through rose colored glasses, but I do believe that no matter what you have been through, there is always something better. At least I would like to believe that. In this way I am a lot harder than I was before too.
I can look back and remember the good times we had as a family and realize, it was not all bad. The bad just over clouded the good and there was no going back. Sometimes, even when you love someone, you just have to let them go. Apart of me will always love him. Without him, I would not have the 4 beautiful children I have. For that I could never truly hate him. I want to, but the best parts of both of us are in them and therefore I can't hate him. (this is that softer side I was talking about). K has her dad's sensitive side, but she hides it really well. S is extremely sensitive to. A has his love of things technical and for the outdoors. M unfortunately never got to be around him, so he doesn't portray any of the characteristics, but he does look a lot like him, and I see his dad in him every day.
I am a lot more independent than I was at 18 or even 25. However, that is more so because I have had to be. I don't like being dependant on anyone, and I know that part of that is not want to let anyone in. I have to do it for myself and for my children. I have to know that I can make it on my own.
It can be hard to separate the mom from the individual to see that I am not just a mom, but I am a person aside from that. She kind of gets lost in the day to day Mom activities, but she is there. She's the part of me that enjoys going to San Francisco just because and not for any particular reason except that she loves it there. She is the girl that can throw routine out the window for a day (but only a day, any more than that and functioning becomes difficult). She is not wild or the party type, but she is her own identity aside from being Mom.
The tea is gone and I am feeling a little drowsy. I could go on, but maybe another time. The house is eerily quiet, without the kids fighting and bickering and the dog barking. So I guess I will say goodnight...or good morning, which ever you prefer and go to bed! Hopefully sleep will ensue, as I have to be awake in 6 hours.
Until the next Scribble......
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