14 years ago...

I became a mom. My baby girl just turned 14 today. Time has flown by since I first held her in my arms and I recall that day like it was yesterday. I can recount moment from moment the events of that day. My water broke a whole day before she actually came.

It amazes me how much has happened in 14 years. I had 3 more children, I got divorced and I moved back to the USA. Of course that is the short sum of my life in that time. She truly was the most amazing thing I had ever seen or held up to that point. Life certainly changed from the moment she came out, but I would change a thing about having K in my life. She is challenging for sure, but she is amazing too. She has her own ideas, her own beliefs (albeit it a little quirky) and she is strong willed. She is sweet, (though she would never admit to it) sensitive and Lord know she can be mean! I would not change one thing about her. (except her current hair color).

As I watch our children grow, I feel sad for their dad. He is missing so much of their lives. I want to shake him and ask what the hell he was thinking. These kids are the biggest blessing either of us has, regardless of anything else. We at least did 4 things right while we were together. The saddest part of all of it, is that Matthew does not know what it is like to have a daddy like the other kids do. Then again, maybe that is better, he doesn't know what he is missing either.

So even though things are bad right now, I know that there are good things in my life and things will get better.

Until next time....

With Coffee Comes Wisdom

Okay, so maybe the coffee itself does not give you the wisdom. However, sitting down, drinking a cup and reflecting can.

Granted right now, things are not the way I want them. I can accept it, I don't have to like it. I pray for the strength to get up in the morning and see the blessings I have in my life. I have 4 that mean the world to me and right now I feel like I am failing them. Drinking my cup of coffee, I realize that maybe failing is a bit too strong. They have what the need and some of what they want, but what we all need the most is a place of our own. Away from the crap and the headaches. Away from influences that are not appropriate for little ones to be around.

I will not, under no circumstance, apologize for my belief that there are some people your children do no need to be around. I will not let them believe it is okay to be a drug addict or an alcoholic. I am tired of tiptoeing around trying to make everything okay, trying to keep my children quiet...they are kids, you can't make them quiet. Truth be told, they are not that loud, they are just kids.

I meant what I said in previous posts, when I leave, this time I will not look back. Reality has slapped me in the face more than once in the last two weeks and I am getting tired of that too. When I have to step back and admit that my ex was right, it really is time to get a new perspective. I admit, he was not always wrong, but on this, I truly wanted him to be.

Maybe I am over sensitive (it is possible after 10 years with a person who is sensitive, that some of that could have rubbed off), maybe I am not sensitive enough, (Lord only knows how many times I have been told that), but I am who I am and if you don't like it, stay away.

I don't have the answers yet, but I know that they will come. I just have to keep Faith that they will come. That change will come because change is definitely wanted. I will never be tolerable of drugs and criminals. I have learned you can't be. This is not to say, I don't believe people can change, I know they can, I have seen proof, they can. It just means if you are going to change, you are going to have to do it on your own. I have my own life and my kids' life to look out for. They are truly all I care about anymore. Well them and a few others.

Hope all is well with everyone (It will be with me soon God Willing)

More ranting.....

Life teaches us lessons. When we don't pay attention, it kicks our butt. I will say, my ass has been thoroughly kicked. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, or even a few days ago. My thoughts have changed, my feelings about things and some people have certainly changed and as sad as it may be for me, it seems like nothing will ever be the same again.

I have learned many lessons in my life and even in the last 3 years, but not one has hurt or bothered me as much as this one. Not even my divorce, and that damn near killed me. Life is determined to kick my ass and bury me, but I am either too stubborn or too dumb to just stay down. I know a lot of you are reading this wondering, what the hell she is talking about, but let me say this...I am just a girl who despite whatever is thrown at her, will stay down. I may fall, but I will get back up. I may cry, but guess what tears dry.

What does not kill you, will either make you stronger or it will break you. The choice is ours alone. No one else can make that kind of choice for you, unless you let them. I am done, and I just don't give a damn anymore. I know what in my life is important and I know what I need to remove. I will remove it in time and when I do, I will under no circumstances look back. The good thing about not be an emotional person is that I can do it. I won't regret it and I won't return to it. I know what I want, and I will get there. I will not have someone try to talk me into something I do not want, just because they think they know what is best. Guess what, the only who knows what is best for me, is me. I am angry, royally pissed off but it goes beyond that and now it is truly time to get out of my way.


On another note, I was listening to K-Love the other day and the woman was talking about what Marriage isn't and one of the things that she said hit home. (Hard). If (huge if) I ever get married this is the one thing I want to remember, Marriage is NOT an amusement park, you don't just stay for the good times and then bail when the fun is over.

Lesson Learned...

Have you ever had one of those moments where something just clicks finally. It had been staring you in the face and you never quite got it until it was made so blatantly obvious that if you didn't see it..you were just plain stupid! I got mine yesterday. I won't go into details but my eyes were certainly opened.

Here is what I learned:

1. Don't depend on anyone...you will eventually get let down
2. Learn to live on your own...because the people you thought you needed, are not really in your corner
3. When its time to let go of the dead weight, let it go...don't look back
4. No matter how much it hurts or upsets you, let it go...if you don't it will kill you
5. The only people that matter are the ones you give birth to and the rest are on their own
6. No matter what you do...what you accomplish or how you live your life....it will never be good enough for some people

It might seem harsh and it is, but if you can't depend on yourself, who can you depend on? Also, you have to depend on yourself because other people are going to let you down and your anger will eat you alive.

I don't do drugs, I don't drink, and I try to live my life appropriately. I learn from my mistakes, but that doesn't mean I won't make new ones. I am human, and contrary to popular belief I am not a bitch and I do have feelings. OK, well maybe I am a bitch sometimes, but I still have feelings. I believe what I believe and I live my life and raise my children according to those beliefs.

If you don't like, no one said you had to be apart of my life...so there is the door and please let it hit you in the ass when you walk out!

Hope all is well in your world...
Until next time...