Faith Realizations

I can honestly say that on the day I took my vows, I never saw myself as as a single mother, let alone a single mother without help from their father. I never saw him as the man I see him as now. Never knew how much I could love a person and then hate them just as much. I never wanted to hurt someone as much as I wanted to hurt this person that I loved more than anything. Ever been there? Divorce is a scary place. It shows you a side of yourself that even you never realized was there. I kept asking why God did this to our family, to our marriage.

He didn't. We did. Satan sent people to steal, kill and destroy, and we let these people destroy not only our marriage, but our the home our children felt safe and secure in. Where they felt loved and protected. We took the very foundation of their lives away and for what? For nothing. I can't speak for my ex-husband and I won't try. I am sure he has justified his mistakes and his part in taking away this security from our children. I know he fights his own battles with how we ended our marriage. 

I was young when I got married and I can honestly say I didn't know the first thing about commitment and marriage. About the sacrifices that came with home and family. I am a pretty good mom, and I love my children. I loved my husband, (something I never truly admit, because then I would have to admit to the hurt that came along with what he did). I look at my children and I wonder, who would they be today, had I fought harder for my marriage. Had we taken the time to realize that divorce had never been apart of God's plan for our family. Would they be the same as they are today and honestly I can say No, they wouldn't be. In a sense we broke them, and the sad part is, he doesn't even realize this. They have hurt, anger, bitterness and emotional scars they would not have and it is our fault. Not my fault, not his fault, but ours jointly. We broke the very people we promised to love, protect and keep from harm. 

This was not God's plan for our lives. 

Being a single mom is hard. It sucks. It was never the way it was meant to be. There are times when I want to yell and scream at God for allowing this to happen. For not stopping these people from interfering. When I look back, I blamed only one person and while her part is big, and she alone has to deal with God for her part in my broken family, we do too. We have to admit we gave up, instead of remembering that we promised to love, honor and cherish one another. We promised for better or worse and when worse came, we bailed. I distinctly remember God telling me to fight for my marriage, but I didn't know how. I didn't have the strength to fight and I failed to remember that God is my strength. 

Satan won this battle and we let him. We gave him the tools to do it and he had a field day. 

So what does this have to do with anything? Simple. Faith. I didn't have faith that God would heal what was damaged. I didn't have faith that God would give me the strength to fight for my marriage. My faith was lacking, big time. Not only was my faith lacking, but I gave in the lies and doubts that Satan was telling me. If I could go back, I would. Not just for my children, who deserved to have a mother who would fight for their family, not just her marriage, but for their home; but to undo all the ugliness of that time. To unsay all the hurtful things I said. You see, when I fell hurt or threatened, I attack and not in a nice way. I will aim for where I know it will hurt the most, I will then twist it until it hurts even more and that is what I did. 

Today I look back and realize just how much I had to have hurt this person who once was my life. How much I destroyed the person I loved. We both did this to each other. I gave in to my hurt, my anger, my bitterness and my children paid the ultimate price of that. No, I am not solely to blame, but I can own my part in it. 

What I realize today is God never left us. He never abandoned us and left us to our devices, we just ignored him. We let our worldly views cloud our spiritual ones. What I have learned through this difficult process of being a single mom and completely on my own raising these children, is that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, but I am only strong because my strength, (even when I didn't acknowledge it) comes from God. Phillipians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. I can be a single mother. I can raise my kids on my own. I can make a way, where this no way, because it is not me doing it, it is God. He makes the way where there is no way. He gives me the strength to get through each day. 

Someday I may get married again....(there was a time when I wanted absolutely nothing to do with marriage again), and I can take what I have learned with me. However, I will fail again if I don't put God first in the next marriage. God has to come first. God need to be first. When we set our sights on Him, there is nothing we can't overcome. Satan can't destroy a foundation that is built on God's word, God's love and God's promises. I have learned so much about myself and my walk with God in the last little while. I can only pray that one day, I will be the woman God wants me to be. I can say this, I am not going back to the person I had become after my divorce...More on that later! Now its time to get ready and spend the day with my Little Man, to celebrate the miracle of his life...a.k.a his birthday!!! :) 

Until the next Scribble........

Juggling Single Motherhood

Okay, so I am going to switch things up a bit. Change is still the theme of this year, in fact, I made it my theme word for this year. This year is all about change. 

However, today was crazy. The washer is acting wonky, the kids are restless and this mommy is just tired. School work, house cleaning, getting the house in order after having moved, doing this, doing that and looking for a job and all while trying to keep my sanity and the kids alive. Vodka/Cranberry anyone? 

When I was married and had kids and was a stay-at-home mom I often wondered how single mom's did it. I had a ton of respect (and still do) for those mom's that did it all on their own. How did they get it all done? A question I often pondered. Now that I have been a single mom for many years, I can say, they don't. That and they don't sleep. When I had a husband who did all the "guy" stuff and I did all the "mom/girl" stuff, it wasn't perfect or always easy, but it was easier. The responsibilities were split in half and mom even got a girls night out on Friday's twice a month.

Single moms have to be both mom and dad. Seriously for some of us this hard to do. I know nothing about being a dad. I can't fish, hunt, or work on a car. I can't play baseball or football and I mix up whether a game has quarters or innings. With a that has to be done in a day, something is going to get left out, forgotten or undone. I just hope it is not a kid. Forgetting or losing your kids is seriously frowned upon. Have you ever lost your child for a second in a store? Did you see all those people staring at you like you were a bad mother? I know I have and I did! 

Today, I just felt like a crazy white woman trying to keep it all together, and failing. Who can do it all? No one. Even the ones that look like they have it all together and that they get nothing wrong, do mess up and they do forget things. They even lose a child in the store once in awhile. No one is perfect and no one can get it all done. I don't need vodka/cranberry, I have God. He tells me I am worth it, imperfections and all. With Him, I can do all things for He is the one who gives me strength. My help, my strength, my hope, and my will to keep going, all comes from Him. 

Most days it is a juggling act. Who needs to be where. K has Robotics, S has bowling, M has baseball, A is where? Right, E's house. Church is on Sunday's, get up get four kids ready and out the door. Did S go to H's house? Or did she go to E's house? Where can I squeeze groceries in and did I do all the assignments for school only to now have to help M with his homework. Scheduling is a nightmare with 4 active children and a mom. Drop K off at Band, Pick S up from Boys and Girls club, take A to youth group. The schedule juggling act. 

Now....

Most days I just fall into bed. I don't even always remember doing it, it just happens. Today, for example was non-stop fighting, and not listening to mom. The wonky washing machine made me throw all the clothes in the van and head to the laundromat. Killing two birds with one trip to town, when the clothes were all in the dryer we went to Walmart to get a few miscellaneous items. M was definitely bored with our outing and acted up a bit. Then of course there was the fighting and no one wanting to clean up....even after a thousand "Hey do this" from mom. It was one of those days you seriously consider selling those precious, adorable children to gypsy's. 

Well, I guess it is that time...time for this tired mom to go to bed. 

Until the next Scribble........

P.S. I totally just realized I need to shave my legs....add it to the list of things to do tomorrow!!! 

Proverbs 31: 10-31 Pt.1

As women, (sorry men I can't speak for you on this one), we struggle don't we? To be everything to everyone and when we do this, we struggle. We try to put on the garments of perfection, something we know can't be obtained, because to be human is to be imperfect. So why do we try to be something we know we can't?

Tonight, as with most nights, I read Proverbs 31:10-31 The Virtuous Woman (or in the NLT: A Wife of Noble Character). This passage always gets to me, because on the outside, without delving deeper into it, she seems like the perfect wife, mother and person. She seems to be something we strive for but can never obtain. But what happens when we inspect it and we dig deeper into this passage?

10: Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. (NLT)

What does this mean to you? To me, it means to simply be there for your husband, make him the only one you turn to and never turn to any other man over your husband. I pray this is the kind of wife I will be, when the day comes that I am a wife again. No one should come above, before or even after, your husband, except of course God. Being virtuous means to be faithful and to have high morals. Keep this close to you and honor your husband.

What does this mean if you are single (after all this is a blog written by a single mom and for single parents right?) Well let me tell you what I think that it means. I think it means that we need to strive for and prepare for our future husband. Prepare to be the kind of wife that you want to be in the event you find the one who will be your husband. Live a virtuous life. (This is easier to say than it is to do).

11-12: Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. (NLT)

This should be simple right?! Trust is not easily fixed, and should never be broken, but it happens. Can it be repaired? I believe it can, if done in the right context. If you are trying to fix a relationship (and this can go for dating as well) and trust is broken early on, then maybe its a sign of what is to come and maybe it is a way to work out the major kinks before marriage. My theory and again this only my opinion and it could be wrong, but if it you are just dating and trust is an issue, maybe it is best to move on. Life is too short to keep repeating mistakes you made in the past. Marriage is going to take a lot of work and you both are going to say and do things that will hurt each other. As a wife, it is our goal to try our best to not hurt the person we love. It is our duty to love him and to be there and to help him, not harm him. Can your husband trust you? Does he know that without a doubt you are his and his alone? Does he know that you will do whatever it takes to keep him in your life. You will fight the devil (and you may have to, whether it be spiritual or in human form) to keep him. Sounds simple, but some days it will exhaust you, but it will always be worth it.

In verses 15-17 she is working to keep her home running and her family taken care of. She is preparing meals, taking care of business, and keeping her home the way she sees fit and in a way that honors God, her husband, herself and her children. Now as a mom you know how hard this is and at the end of the day we just want nothing more than to just fall into bed and end the day, except K needs help finishing her homework or M is throwing up in the bathroom and needs his mommy. Sometimes it seems like our days never end and we keep on doing. It is a gift to be able to do this, believe it or not.

16: She goes to inspect a field and buys it (NLT)

I know you are looking at this and thinking, "why does God want me to buy a field?" "I live in the city, what do I need a field for? Where would I even get one?" Well I don't believe that his is actually talking about buying a field. Look deeper...delve into the meaning behind considering a field and then buying it. As women we take on more than we can handle, because we feel compelled to be everything to everyone. I know this all to well, as many of you do too. What are you contemplating? Taking on a new task? A new job? A big move? In my bible I wrote this next to this verse, "Before taking on new tasks, consider how they affect you and your family. Do you have the time?" Saying no does not come easily to me. I want to help those who need it, even if I just don't have the time, and I know I don't. Just recently there is a situation that needs help, and I know in my heart that all I can do is pray. I don't have the time to do this, even though part of me wants to do it. Consider how what you are about to do or take on will affect those around you. Your kids, your husband, your family. If they are negatively affected in anyway, its not meant for you to do. However, if it is a God-given task, like Peter in Acts, do it and don't ask questions. If it is God-given, He will make it work. Consider before you buy.


Tomorrow, I will discuss the next section. The thing to remember is that while perfection seems like something we need to be striving for, what we need to be striving for is the only one that is perfect...God. As Philippians 4:13 tells us, we can do all things through Christ who is our strength. As I write this blog, I know I am preparing myself as well as digging deeper into God's word. Sometimes I think we take for granted those we love the most. We tell ourselves there is always tomorrow. We have time they can wait. Then we wake up tomorrow and find they are no longer there waiting for us.

As I write this, I struggle with a situation of my own. All I can do is pray that everything works out according to God's will. I gave up for awhile and I didn't trust God enough to handle this situation. In the end, I know if I lose, it is my fault for not trusting in God. Our relationships are never going to be easy and God does not promise us easy. So as I end this here for now, I pray that it is not too late and that even right now as it all seems lost, I have hope and hope can change everything. I pray that whatever you are struggling with right now, God gives you direction and patience. His timing and His will are far better than what we can do on our own. So be a virtuous woman and be a woman you would like to know.

Until the next Scribble....