Fathers and Children....Ladies I am Talking to You!

One of my fondest memories as a parent was watching my children interact with their father. It literally melted my heart to see him interact with them and play with them. To watch him meet them at their level and just connect with our children. Shh..don't tell him that though! :)

As a single mom, ladies I can tell you, dirty laundry happens and that does not mean that it has to affect our children. Yet I have numerous male friends who are being kept from their children for the sake of bitterness. Mom's who are trying to use their children to harm the other parent. Sure, you are affecting their dad and hitting him where it hurts, but who you are really harming are your children. You are keeping them from the other person in their life they love just as much as they love you. For what? Let me tell you right now, you are doing for no reason that matters, for no reason that is valid, just out of sheer bitterness and anger. You are allowing your anger and hatred to cloud your better judgement and you are harming the child(ren) you claim to love more than anything.

Acceptable Reasons to Keep a Child from the Other Parent

• The other parent is in jail 
• The other parent is currently under the influence of drugs or alcohol
• The other parent has been physically, emotionally or verbally abusive to the child(ren). 
• The other parent is living with a person who is dangerous, abusive or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. 
• The other person has a mental disorder that is not currently being treated and they pose a danger to the child(ren). 
• The other parent is a pedophile or has sexually abused your child(ren). 

I am sure there are reason not on this list that I have missed, but you get the idea. Unless there is a very valid reason to protect your child from their father, don't keep them apart. My ex-husband has not seen his children in about 8 years and calls them on their birthday and holidays. Our divorce was not pretty and I can say that neither of us handled the other person very well. At one point I felt the need to protect my children from being taken and I would never see them again. Why? He said he would pick them up from school and I would never see them again. I weighed the likelihood of him actually doing this and part of me would swear up and down that he would never do it, but I just didn't know. Divorce has shed a whole new light on this person I had loved and married. So I got full physical and legal custody, which he never contested. Little did I know this piece of paper would be his excuse not to see our children, even though I have tried to change it a couple times, he never complies. 

Now I am not here to use this post or this blog to ever badmouth my ex, he is in all reality a good person and he started out as the greatest father I have ever seen. He was great with our children and he loved them wholeheartedly, I am just not sure what happened. Divorce is ugly and I did my share of things to him that I regret 100% (and perhaps that can be my next blog or a future one). I have said things to him I regret, I threw a blender at him and the list goes on and on. I was hurt and I was angry. I never thought that our divorce would take away the one other person that matters most on this earth to my children...their dad. 

Ladies, if you listen to anything listen to this....your children need their dad just as much as he needs them. You loved this man once, enough to create life with him. You created these precious children with this person and he deserves to be in their life just as much as you do. Put your feelings aside and do what is best for those sweet children, who love this man. Their dad. I would move heaven and earth for my children to have a relationship with their dad, to spend summers with their dad (we are on separate sides of the country), and every other Christmas and etc... I would give anything for them to be able to hang out with their dad and hug him and laugh with him and just be together. 

My dad with K, A, S, M! 

"He doesn't pay child support" you say, well guess what, neither does my ex, but I would still never use this as a reason for them not have a relationship with their dad. Yeah he should, he helped create them, but don't let that prevent the children from knowing their dad. The other half of who they are. 

He divorced you, not them. Let;s get to the bottom of the matter, for most of you this hits home. He left you, he divorced you, so you are going to punish him...No! That is not how it works. God will deal with him on his flaws and his misdeed, just as He will deal with you on yours, but don't interfere in the relationship between father and child. I could through numerous statistics in here, but I don't feel the need. I just need you to know that the only one this doing any real damage to....your child(ren). They suffer the most. They turn it inward and blame themselves or think daddy just doesn't love me anymore. 

It breaks my heart to see my children suffering from not having their dad around. S things her dad hates her. M has never known what it is like to have a dad and may never know. K misses the guy she loves and whose interests match her own. No guy will ever replace her daddy in her heart. A needs his dad so desperately to teach him the things he needs to know and to talk to. They are all hurting in their own way and I can only pray that one day he will realize the damage he is doing to these children. 

STOP! Stop hurting your kids. Drop your vendetta against this person and do what is best for your children, not what is best for you. You divorced the other person, but that does NOT give you the right to keep these children, that you claim to love, from their dad! Keep your feelings and opinions in regards to your ex to yourself and cultivate the second most important relationship your child will ever have. 

Last but not least for those of your that have new relationships and are remarried, your ex, the person you created this child with is still their dad! Not your new partner. Yes the stepparent relationship is important too, but not nearly as important as the one with their real father. Just because you started a new relationship does not give you the right to literally try and replace their father with this new man. It will only end up causing you more problems in the end...in your new relationship and in your home. It will cause problems between your children and your new partner. NO ONE can replace their dad, just like no woman he gets involved with could ever replace you. 

Put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself how you would feel if the other parent did this to you? How would you feel if you were the one being kept from your own child? How would you feel if someone tried to turn your precious children against you? You would hate it. You would be heartbroken and sad. You would be angry. This is how their dad feels. 

Okay, rant over. This is an issue I feel strongly about, and one that needs to change. The importance of a father in the life of a child is significant. They need dad and dad needs them. All this will accomplish, is them possibly resenting you for keeping them from their dad. 

Until the next Scribble.........

When My 'but' Gets in the Way

***Today's Live Free Post on http://tsuzanneeller.com/***

But...

As parents we all hate this word.

"...but Mom, I don't have time to clean my room."

"...but Mom, she started it"

"..but I don't like peas."

"...but my friends are all doing 'it'."

God is our parent, and He too, does not like the word 'but'. In all our humanness, it is easy to whine like our children do. When I don't especially feel like praying for someone because I am irritated with them or I am not feeling particularly loving towards them, I can say,

"...but He was never there for me when I needed him, so why should I pray for him?"

"...but She is an alcoholic and causes all kinds of heartache without apparently caring?" 

"...but He hurt me in the worst way possible."

"...but She doesn't deserve my prayers after all she did." 

These 'buts' are not what God wants to hear, just like it is not what we want to hear when we tell our children something they don't want to hear. When I let my buts get in the way, I am essentially failing God. I am telling Him that my feelings regarding whoever it is He wants me to pray for, are more important this His need for me to pray for them. God knows how we feel, but He also knows how we work. When I am praying for someone, it is harder for me to feel hatred or anger towards them. It softens my heart towards these people. We all have people or situations we don't feel particularly gracious towards, but we still need to pray for them. We need to be more intentional in our praying for people. (Something we discussed in our bible study last night as well)

Prayer is not the only time we tell God, 'but', or at least it is not for me. When it is outside my comfort zone, not only do I say no easily, but I can add a 'but' in there to also reason with God. Have you ever done this? I know I have.

"...but I am not the right person to do this."

"...but I can't speak in front of people." 

"...but there is no way I can do that. It's too far out of my comfort zone, that I can't see my comfort zone anymore."

"...but I am not good enough for this task." 

Do any of these sound familiar to you? When I let my 'buts' get in the way I am getting in the way of God's plan for my life. I am telling Him that what He wants does not matter to me. What He says is not as important as staying in my comfort zone, and boy do I love my comfort zone. Ask anyone.

My 'buts' are just excuses not to leave my comfort zone and if I don't leave my comfort one I can't grow. I can't become the woman God wants me to be for Him. I miss out on His plan for my life.

Until the Next Scribble....

One of Those Days....

It is one of those days. you know the one, where your irritated for reasons you cant quite put your finger on. Or maybe you can put a finger on your irritation but refuse to do so. Who knows. Irritation is building and you know it is probably only a matter of time until you explode with either angry words or it could be print form. What ever the reason, what ever the cause, you are irritated and those close to you are the ones most likely to suffer your wrath. Unless of course you are in line at the coffee shop and the person in front of you has no idea what they want, while you stand behind them knowing exactly what you want. Heaven forbid the Barista (today's word for those who make your coffee), messes up your order.

As I sit here in the coffee shop working on a paper for class, I have see the irritation of customers who direct their frustration on the poor girls behind the counter. One got their coffee as ordered but decided to complain anyway. The joys of working with the public.

What about us as Christians? How do we handle frustration and irritation? Just because we have the label of Christian surrounding us, this does not automatically guarantee that my behaviors or my initial reactions are going to be changed the moment I accepted the label of Christian or accepted that God was in charge of my life, and neither did any of the other Christians living out there.

We are human and we are going to make mistakes, the questions that Christians face is whether or not we give our troubles over to God and ask for forgiveness when we are wrong. I have mentioned that I am mom (perhaps not in this blog post, but in others) and I am human, very capable of making daily mistakes with my choices, my parenting and my opinions. I can hurt the feelings of my children without ever meaning to. Just ask them.

We need to pray and read the word daily. Will this erase our humanness? Heavens no, we will always be vulnerable to our humanness. Always. The beauty is that God knows this! He really does and He loves us anyway. Despite our faults, our actions and how we behave.

Just yesterday I wrote this in my journal:

     Thank you Lord, that you accept me into your family. You accept me just as I am and you have opened your arms to accept me. For this I am truly grateful and blessed. I am blessed beyond all measure to have you as a Father. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

We only have to open our bibles and read His word to gain an understanding of just how much He loves us. It is written on every page of this very important book. All we have to do is open it. I have committed myself to starting my day of in His word and ending my day in His word. Some days I am really good at this and others I just really want to do nothing more than sleep in for a few extra minutes. As a single mom mornings are hectic (and no you don't have to be a single mom for your morning to be hectic). 

One of my go-to bible verses is Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Sometimes this is hard to remember, and we can take on frustrations we really do not have to take on.  

I am trusting God to work out my frustrations and the things I am waiting on. We have to trust Him, if we want the best for our lives. He knows our wants and our needs, He knows the desires of our hearts and as Psalms 37:3 says, we need to trust in him and take delight in him and He will give us the desires of our heart. The key to this is that He needs to be our number one desire. 

Let go of your irritation and frustration and give them over to God. He has this, you don't need to fight battles that He has already won for you. He already won today's battles, tomorrows and every other battle we face in the future. We may not get the answer we want, but it will be His best answer. 

Sit back, breathe and pray! 

Until the next Scribble......

Sometimes Parenting Sucks....Sometimes...

Being a parent sucks sometimes. Let's just throw it out there and be real for a minute. We all see the Facebook posts of our friends and family who show how joyful and sweet being a parent is. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother, it is in fact one of my greatest joys, but I do not have rose colored blinders on that keep me from seeing the unpleasantness that come with being a mother. There are so many of us who feel like we are failing at this job called parenting, while we are reading unrealistic posts of rose colored lives where nothing is irritating and nothing goes wrong. Hello! Am I the only one living in the real world?

Parenting sometimes sucks.

Kids fight, we fight to keep the house cleaned, and hello, when was the last time you go to the bathroom uninterrupted? When was the last time you got to take a shower with a child running in and complaining about their brother throwing pancake into their hair? Seriously? I am the only one this happens to?

Have I mentioned that I love being a mother? There are joys that come with raising children, but they are not every day and they are not 100% of the time. Today for instance, S, M and myself all watched, Night at the Museum, together. No one fought, we all laughed and it was a rare time of uninterrupted family time. No fights ensued, not name calling and no hogging of the snacks. It was rare...did I mention this? Normally when we all try to watch a movie (and keep in mind K and A were elsewhere), there is fighting over the snacks, who sits in what spot, who is closer to mom, who gets to hold the remote (why are we holding the remote? There are no commercials to fast forward in a movie from Redbox) and the list continues.

There are the moments where our beautiful little angels are actually bad. They throw tantrums in the store (so not fun), they deliberately make a mess to make a point (what I am not sure). Or the times when you have to discipline them....not my favorite moment in parenting.

I love being a parent and if for some reason all of this went away I would miss it. Sure my house would stay clean, and the milk would get put away and the clothes would stay folded in the drawers and the million other things that kids are not going to do until they have their own house and realize mom was right, but I would miss out on the best thing that ever happened to me...motherhood.

I don't see the world through rose colored, everything is perfect glasses, but I do see the joy in the mess, the fights, the constant state of frustration. I see the love they have for each other (yeah, really they do). They can pick on each other all they want, but look out if anyone outside their sibling bond messes with any one of them. The protect and defend each other. They actually, on occasion, say nice things to one another. The mommy time snuggles, the kisses, the hugs, are all the best parts of being their mom. Yes I may get frustrated. I may yell. I may completely pull out all of my hair, but I wouldn't change a thing where K, A, S & M are concerned. They are my not-so-perfect little angels. I am proud to be called their mom.

Until the Next Scribble.....

Juggling Single Motherhood

Okay, so I am going to switch things up a bit. Change is still the theme of this year, in fact, I made it my theme word for this year. This year is all about change. 

However, today was crazy. The washer is acting wonky, the kids are restless and this mommy is just tired. School work, house cleaning, getting the house in order after having moved, doing this, doing that and looking for a job and all while trying to keep my sanity and the kids alive. Vodka/Cranberry anyone? 

When I was married and had kids and was a stay-at-home mom I often wondered how single mom's did it. I had a ton of respect (and still do) for those mom's that did it all on their own. How did they get it all done? A question I often pondered. Now that I have been a single mom for many years, I can say, they don't. That and they don't sleep. When I had a husband who did all the "guy" stuff and I did all the "mom/girl" stuff, it wasn't perfect or always easy, but it was easier. The responsibilities were split in half and mom even got a girls night out on Friday's twice a month.

Single moms have to be both mom and dad. Seriously for some of us this hard to do. I know nothing about being a dad. I can't fish, hunt, or work on a car. I can't play baseball or football and I mix up whether a game has quarters or innings. With a that has to be done in a day, something is going to get left out, forgotten or undone. I just hope it is not a kid. Forgetting or losing your kids is seriously frowned upon. Have you ever lost your child for a second in a store? Did you see all those people staring at you like you were a bad mother? I know I have and I did! 

Today, I just felt like a crazy white woman trying to keep it all together, and failing. Who can do it all? No one. Even the ones that look like they have it all together and that they get nothing wrong, do mess up and they do forget things. They even lose a child in the store once in awhile. No one is perfect and no one can get it all done. I don't need vodka/cranberry, I have God. He tells me I am worth it, imperfections and all. With Him, I can do all things for He is the one who gives me strength. My help, my strength, my hope, and my will to keep going, all comes from Him. 

Most days it is a juggling act. Who needs to be where. K has Robotics, S has bowling, M has baseball, A is where? Right, E's house. Church is on Sunday's, get up get four kids ready and out the door. Did S go to H's house? Or did she go to E's house? Where can I squeeze groceries in and did I do all the assignments for school only to now have to help M with his homework. Scheduling is a nightmare with 4 active children and a mom. Drop K off at Band, Pick S up from Boys and Girls club, take A to youth group. The schedule juggling act. 

Now....

Most days I just fall into bed. I don't even always remember doing it, it just happens. Today, for example was non-stop fighting, and not listening to mom. The wonky washing machine made me throw all the clothes in the van and head to the laundromat. Killing two birds with one trip to town, when the clothes were all in the dryer we went to Walmart to get a few miscellaneous items. M was definitely bored with our outing and acted up a bit. Then of course there was the fighting and no one wanting to clean up....even after a thousand "Hey do this" from mom. It was one of those days you seriously consider selling those precious, adorable children to gypsy's. 

Well, I guess it is that time...time for this tired mom to go to bed. 

Until the next Scribble........

P.S. I totally just realized I need to shave my legs....add it to the list of things to do tomorrow!!! 

To Read or Not to Read....

     So this morning, with my usually morning cup of a Java I ran into a blog a friend posted on Facebook, called Fifty Shades of No by Jill Savage. I have been on the fence regarding whether or not to read these books as everyone in every age bracket seems to be lining up to get them. I enjoy a good book as much as the next woman (or male) and a lot of the books I read have a sex scene or two in them, but these books are filled with nothing but pornography from what I can tell. Now as a single mom, I don't feel that I would be in anyway lusting after something that or someone that is not my husband, I am not married. However, the question remains do I really need to subject myself to this type of literature that even a few years ago would probably have not been on the shelf for the general public? Now when the next James Patterson novel comes out for the Alex Cross series.....
    
     When I became a parent my husband-at-the-time and I agreed that the method of do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do parenting was not how we wanted to raise our children. I fear I have back-slid on this a little and need to get back to it. Would I want my children to read these types of books? No. Jill had the right idea when she said that they lead us to unrealistic expectations of what we are suppose to look like, act like and to tell us that the immoral behavior of the characters are OK and we can behave this way and not suffer any consequences. It is time to get back to the saying: As For Me and My House We WILL Serve the Lord. I am not perfect and I sometimes do things that perhaps may not be in line with that statement, but God knows we are not perfect and he loves us anyway. Just as long as we try to live our lives God's way and keep our hearts and homes pure, we will be alright. I still have no idea the direction this blog is going to go, I only know I wanted to start getting back into writing and this was a way for me to do that.

     I realize also that we can go overboard in what is right and good for our hearts and minds, but this is one book series I don't feel compelled to read, nor do I feel that we should be reading this kind of material. It is for everyone to decide what they are going to do, what they are going to read, and for me, I am with Jill Savage on this one, Fifty Shades of NO!

Until the next scribble....