This blog...and more...Enjoy!

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this blog and the direction that I wanted it to go. What did I want to use it for, and then I was sitting in church this week and the pastor was talking about Hope (the next two weeks will be faith and love). While listening to this sermon, I kept thinking that I need to use this blog for more than just witty and whimsical posts about my family. I will still post those, but we need more God in our lives. Not just on Sunday, where we get dressed up for church, and sit through the sermon, greet friends and new comers and then go home. We need God Monday - Saturday as well. So this blog, while still about the struggles of being a single mom and the day to day amazement my children bring me, I am directing it  towards God and his work in our lives. I also thought about what Faith, Hope and Love meant to me. So I will be working on a blog that deals with these. Especially since Friday, when all our hearts were broken when an armed man, (I am not using the name of the gunman on purpose) came into a school and wreaked havoc on the lives of our most innocent. I have a blog outlined (in my head) for one related to this, because as probably almost any parent here can relate to, when you hear something of this magnitude you automatically do not want to send your children to school anymore. Homeschooling sounds like a much more viable option than sending our children to school where this can happen.

So I encourage you to join the blog as a subscriber. Read this blog and tell your friends about it.  Hopefully I can do my part in spreading God's word. We need more of God and not less in this world. There are those who claim to be spreading God's word and really they are only spouting out Satan's word. Westboro Church for instance who protest military funerals and who know want to protest at the funerals of these innocent children and brave teachers. God did not use an armed gunman to brutally murder and terrify children and teachers to seek vengeance on this world for gay marriage, or for any other horrible sin this church feels that society is making. Our God might be a jealous God, he mourns for those who do not follow Him, he does not kill them in His name and he certainly does not take vengeance out on innocent children who can't possibly know or understand any of this. Shame on this so-called church for intruding and possibly intruding on these funerals where parents are mourning the death of their child, or their loved one who so bravely protected these students to the best of their ability. I can't watch the news anymore, it is heartbreaking and even Morgan Freeman had a valid point, that by watching and retaining the name of the killer we are validating him in a small way. He pointed out that what is remembered in these kinds of tragedies is the name of the killer and not the victims. It is the victims that matter here, not the murderer. It doesn't matter how many were killed, whether or not this is the worst or close to the worst school shooting tragedy, simply because one is not more tragic than another. All are tragic, senseless and something that we will never understand.

Pray today for these families. Pray that God brings them some amount of healing and comfort. Their hearts are broken and their lives are forever changed. Only God can bring peace, healing and comfort for those mourning their loved ones.

As a parent I can't imagine my 5 year old not coming home from school to share with me his excitement over his day and that he got a green note today or being good. Or my 12 year old who may not always have a good day, but does try to find something good in her day, and who loves to tell me about her day after school. My 13 year who has a rough day at school most of the time, but still has a loving heart. My 14 year old and first born, who I have watched grow up into an amazingly independent individual. These children, a gift from God, are the joys of my life, they aggravate me, they frustrate and anger me better than anyone else can with their petty fights and senseless torture of one another, but they also bring me joy and wonder. I am constantly amazed at each of them and the things they come up with. If one of them did not come home, my world would be truly broken. Saturday I woke up to these little one's fighting and I started to yell at them, and then I stopped and thanked God that they were still here to argue with one another. I did ask them to stop and directed them to better and more productive activities. We need to thank God each and every day for our precious gifts. We need to put Him first in our lives.

Until the next Scribble.....

Praying for our Monsters...:)

Hello...

So here is to a frustrating night of learning. Our kids are our greatest source of joy, but they can also be our greatest source of frustration. I love being a mom, but nights like tonight remind me why I need God in my life and in my family. He promises to love us even through our mistakes and trust me I made plenty tonight. I let my frustrations get the better of me and that is never a good thing. I definitely came unglued tonight. (BTW the book Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst is amazing!)

God reminds us that while we are not perfect, neither are our children, and they are going to test our limits and our patience to see what they can get away with. They are kids....even though sometimes it feels kind of like a gang of ninja warriors attacking. As parents we need to guide them and guide their behavior in the right direction. We need them to turn their eyes towards God.

As moms, we take on a lot, as single moms, we take on even more and some days it feels like it is all just to much. No one ever says their goal in life is to be a single parent, and God created parents in twos for a reason, but unfortunately we are not perfect and things don't always end up the way they should or the way we planned. So while we struggle to maintain our homes, our busy schedules, and juggle all those things that we as mothers (and fathers) struggle to juggle, we need to sit back for a minute (easier said then done, I know) and breath. Pray for our kids, pray for ourselves, and pray for the parent who is absent. Pray over your family. As Christian parents there is nothing more important in our parenting lives than praying for our children.

I know its hard, believe me, I am human and there are days when I want to shake my child and ask what on earth he/she is thinking....seriously my 14 year old has blue hair...blue! My children are amazing and they each have their own quirky and unique personality that makes watching them grow the best thing on earth. Sure if we didn't have children, our homes would be cleaner, our lives would be quieter, we would have more time for ourselves and to go out, but, it would be completely and utterly boring.

So the next time your precious little one is suddenly turned into a whiny-crying-tantrum-I-hate-you-mom-throwing monster that without this monster you would be bored, even if somewhat relaxed. Grab a cup of coffee, read your bible and pray for your little monsters, they need it and so do you!

Until the next Scribble....

Giving Up is Not an Option

We all have those days, where the easiest thing in the world would be to give up. Throw in the towel and walk away. I am certainly not perfect nor am I immune to those days. As moms we always feel the need to be perfect, have the perfect home, have the perfect children (and let me be the first to say, mine are far, far, far from the perfect children I would like them to be) and look perfect when we get out of bed. We feel the need to make it all look easy.
Screw that, it is not easy. It is especially hard when the task of raising your children falls on your shoulders alone. Yesterday, however, was one of those days. Seemed like the easiest thing to do would be to walk away and start over. Why not, their dad did...seemed to play over and over in my head yesterday. It was easy for him, but was it really?
This morning, I was reading my bible and I came across Isaiah 40:31 which states:

But those who wait on the Lord

shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles,

they shall run and not be weary

they shall walk and not faint

It reminded me why giving up is not an option. Perfection, my life is not and I miss the days when my children were litle and had both parents in the house, and some days (yes even after forgiving their dad), it still makes me a little angry and frustrated, that from what appears to be easy for their dad, (no kids = easier for dad) is a constant worry and struggle for me daily. I don't appear as a person who worries a lot, and to a point I don't, because if I can't fix, then why worry about it? I do worry, though, every day about four little people who need, because at this point, I am all they have fighting for them.
Giving up is not an option.
I worry about their futures, their present and pray that their past does not have ah old on them. I worry about what they need and what they watch and who they hang out with. I worry about them daily and pray that their needs are somehow met and that despite what they don't have, they turn out to be great people with a bright future.
Yesterday, I had to pray for the strength not to sell them to gypsies (this is a common threat in my house and I am sure by now; as they have never been sold to gypsies; they are not totally concerned about it). It seemed like nothing I told them to do got through. Do the dishes: nope not done. Clean the room: nope not done. Clean up the toys in the living room: again not done. When I got home from taking K to youth group, the house looked worse than it did when I left....Uh O! I took everything away, computer, TV, PlayStation, game boys, toys, art supplies and threatened to throw them all away and they would only be able to read books on the couch...if I didn't throw those away too.
Mess irritates me. It frustrates me. Again, not necessarily something one knows or would even see if they saw my, on the inside though I am like Hurricane Katrina and ready to kick some butt. I literally fail to function when everything is in chaos, and I want to run and bury my head in the sand.
Giving up is not an option.
God will give us the strength we need to press on, move forward. He will guide us along the way. He will carry us if we fall. We only need to trust Him and ask Him. I know He has a plan for me, I just have to wait for His time. I know He will reveal it to me in His time. For now, I have to keep pressing on, and trusting God will provide what my family needs. He knows what we need, He knows what I need, He will provide. I may want it today, (more like yesterday)but He has His time and His plan will be shown. The strength to carry on is in all of us. We just need to find it. We have to pray for it. I am not a saint and I will fall and feel like giving up again, I just need to remind myself of the four wonderful children He gave me, and remember that they are just children and need guidance from me. I also need to remind myself that:
Giving up is not an option.

Until the next Scribble.....

I love the creativity of my children. Every day I am amazed at the things I find. For instance I came home from the grocery store and was putting the frozen TV dinners and waffles away (Yes, I feed my children frozen junk on occasion. I mean really some nights it gets hectic and cake seems like a good dinner.) Anyway so back to the freezer, I found a Charlie Brown coffee mug with frozen water in the freezer. OK, not all that crazy right? Later, however, when the water had thawed somewhat, what do I find, two frozen army men. OK. Did I also mention that Ken was in the freezer as well....Barbie must have put him on ice for a bit..haha.

So curiosity got the better of me and I asked my children why Ken and army men were in my freezer. A automatically says, S did it! What?! So I look at S, my little princess [whose tiara is looking a bit tilted] and she says, "What? They flew threw Barbie's window, after I told them to stop. Its called a punishment Mom." OK. [Remind to talk to the doctor about getting her tubes tied, I can see my future grandchildren now...blue]. And Ken?! Cold water apparently turns his hair blue, she figured the freezer would work faster. There are icicles hanging off him..apparently he was forgotten about a week again. What? Barbie didn't file a missing person's report? Nice. Maybe Ken should check under the bed, the next time he comes home early for work. I mean talk about blue balls, Ken has them literally! [OK sorry for the comment, but seriously it could not be left out] Why you ask? Well not only did S leave ken in the freezer (standing up) he was holding a blue ball! ha!

A few days ago S and I were talking, about nothing in particular and all the sudden she announces, "I don't have an imaginary friend, I have an imaginary enemy". Just like that. Most kids have friends they can't see, mine, an enemy she can't see. She tells me that is the best kind of enemy to have..an invisible one. Now from my perspective, that would be the most dangerous one to have....carbon monoxide comes to mind...sightless and odorless but definitely deadly. After my WTH moment of shock, I nod and tell her that is highly creative, all the while silently calculating what her therapy bill are going to cost me....

Motherhood, has got to be the best job on the earth....just mix it with a little cranberry vodka and you have an enjoyable journey and nothing phases you...especially when plates go flying across your head in the pretense of seeing if it flies like a Frisbee does. Or when you check on silent children and discover blue hand prints on the walls and blue footprints on the carpet...maybe I should be mentally calculating what my therapy bills are going to be.....

Until the next Scribble.....

Reflection

Yesterday, having been my birthday I thought it might be a cause to reflect...a little. It has been a rough year, but in many ways a blessed year....but still a very rough year. Things absolutely did not go my way, I have had new experiences, some pleasant and some that make me go WTH was I thinking? Seriously? I did THAT!?

I am not a perfect mom, and I don't ever plan to be....simply because it is not possible. I have tried. I have worn myself out from sheer exhaustion trying. I am not the perfect daughter....I get mad, I say things I don't necessarily mean and well, we don't get to choose our family do we? I am not the perfect sister....I get mad to easily to be, but I love my siblings regardless...just won't put them on my Facebook anymore. I have loved, and I have lost, but this last year has shown me that regardless of what happens....family is the most important.

So what have I learned this year....

1) God loves us regardless of our mistakes and will forgive us, if we ask.
2) Patience is a virtue that I DO NOT possess.
3) Just because you know what you want, does not mean you will get it.
4) Being the perfect mom is not about to happen
5) I like being single....but there are days it sucks.
6) My children are my life
7) With 4 children, its a good thing I like being single (most days) because no wants to take on these 4!
8) Life is not what you make it, but how you deal with what is thrown at you shows what kind of person you are. Stuff happens beyond your control. Deal with it, get mad, cry, move on.
9) The person you divorced will constantly amaze you and contradict the person you thought he/she was.
10) Vodka makes everything go away for awhile, add cranberry juice and it makes it a lot sweeter and easier to swallow.

We all live our lives worried about whether we are doing it right. If you are happy you are fine. I still want the condo in San Francisco, the perfect house, the perfect family, the perfect everything.....but I have the perfect children...for me and as long as they are healthy and happy, my life is good. The occasional Vodka cranberry bliss will suffice as an escape from the mundane.....and I do mean occasional!

Until the next Scribble..............

Midnight writing....

So it's midnight and I can't sleep. The kids are all asleep, the house is clean, my school work is done and here I am drinking a cup of tea, wondering why I am still up. The burners are all off, the doors are locked, I didn't forget anything, but something is off.

As I sit here I realize that I have changed. The person I am today is not the girl I was when I got married. I have grown a lot in the last six years. I would never have described myself as strong, but I am. I know many people have told me I was, but I just always assumed its what people say when they want you to feel better about the crappy situation you are in, but they are right, and I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
I am a lot "softer" in some ways than I was before. Not really sure when that happened, but there it is. I am not the idealistic girl I was when I got married either. The one who believed that happily ever after was real, or who believe that love was all that matters, that if you have love, you can get through anything. I don't see the world through rose colored glasses, but I do believe that no matter what you have been through, there is always something better. At least I would like to believe that. In this way I am a lot harder than I was before too.
I can look back and remember the good times we had as a family and realize, it was not all bad. The bad just over clouded the good and there was no going back. Sometimes, even when you love someone, you just have to let them go. Apart of me will always love him. Without him, I would not have the 4 beautiful children I have. For that I could never truly hate him. I want to, but the best parts of both of us are in them and therefore I can't hate him. (this is that softer side I was talking about).  K has her dad's sensitive side, but she hides it really well. S is extremely sensitive to. A has his love of things technical and for the outdoors. M unfortunately never got to be around him, so he doesn't portray any of the characteristics, but he does look a lot like him, and I see his dad in him every day.

I am a lot more independent than I was at 18 or even 25. However, that is more so because I have had to be. I don't like being dependant on anyone, and I know that part of that is not want to let anyone in. I have to do it for myself and for my children. I have to know that I can make it on my own.
It can be hard to separate the mom from the individual to see that I am not just a mom, but I am a person aside from that. She kind of gets lost in the day to day Mom activities, but she is there. She's the part of me that enjoys going to San Francisco just because and not for any particular reason except that she loves it there. She is the girl that can throw routine out the window for a day (but only a day, any more than that and functioning becomes difficult). She is not wild or the party type, but she is her own identity aside from being Mom.

The tea is gone and I am feeling a little drowsy. I could go on, but maybe another time. The house is eerily quiet, without the kids fighting and bickering and the dog barking. So I guess I will say goodnight...or good morning, which ever you prefer and go to bed! Hopefully sleep will ensue, as I have to be awake in 6 hours.

Until the next Scribble......

Punishments for kids are really punishments for Parents...

Over my morning cup of coffee I got a brainstorm. A has ADD and effectively surprises me daily. I don't know if I am getting my sweet Mr. Man who loves his mom and is generally happy, or the demon child who can rip a door off its hinges in a tantrum big enough to rival the sinking of the Titanic. So while I was drinking my coffee, I decided that after our latest storm, he needs to be back on a routine...DUH Mom! Summer was typically slow and lazy for us, which is a nice change from the school year craziness of band, scouts, and whatever else they choose!

So here is what I did, I limited television time to 1 hour a day on the weekdays and no video games at all on the weekends. No friends houses during the week and Mom is going back to scheduling everything...UH O Kids. Well a week into this and it's UH O Mom! It has effectively and ultimately been the week from hell! While this was not a punishment, it is a way to cut down on the tantrums and not listening...this kid needs routine...all kids need it, but this child, like his Mama needs it!

I ruined his life....yes because television and shooting people on a game is your life. I put a roof over your head, feed you, cloth you and give you what you need and try my damnedest to get you what you want and I ruined your life. My bad for carrying for you for 9 months and then torturing myself by pushing you out so you can have life....oops!! My bad! Because lets face it Mr. Man, that is where your life began.....

I am the worst mom ever...mean...horrible. Yes, that is me (especially before my coffee in the morning...look out) I am so mean that I don't abuse you, don't starve you (at least not intentionally, I mean there are days I go, oops I forgot to give them breakfast...well in my defense, they didn't ask for it either). I read with you at night, cook you meals, bake you stuff, find money for your book fair and I am the worst mom ever...tell that to the kid who has nothing and whose dad is drunk all the time and whose mom hits him and leaves him alone all the time....bet he will trade your hugs and kisses for his beatings and the fighting in his house...yup!

Speaking of which that Vodka Cranberry is starting to sound good right now! Of course its not even 8am in the morning, so that is out of the question...if only I could be one of THOSE moms! The perfectionist in me won't allow it! HA!

Then I started to think about the punishments we give our children. Yes, in theory its for their benefit to learn the rules, to learn discipline and respect...bla bla bla....yet its always more of a punishment for us....the whining, complaining, crying, yelling, tantrum throwing and all because they can not watch TV for a week....OMGoodness whatever will you do? O go outside and play...fresh air, grass, ride a bike....all the things kids did before the Playstation....the playground you know was the original Playstation.....and we wonder why kids are obese these days! Its called the couch and video games while snacking on Cheetos! UGH! Spare me. So the headache ensues because the kids won't be quiet (I'd say shut up, but that is worth .10 in the swear jar) and your trying to get dinner ready, (bad mom that you are) and help the other child with their homework, which by the way you now need to go back to the 6th grade to learn...Can write a college paper on the fundamentals of policing and due process vs. crime control model, but you can no longer divide decimals thanks to them changing the method on you! WTH!?

BRB...need more coffee.....

OK, so now you are pulling your hair out, wondering why you took their games away in the first place? Did you really think they were going to pick up a book and OMGoodness...READ? Yup you did! Silly! So after the 5th time asking them to do something and they say only if you give me my gameboy back, you (Yup here comes horrible mom rearing her ugly head) You yell, "if you don't get you a$$ in here and clean this up and do as your told, your gameboy gets it! The homeless kid with the abusive parents is going to get it! O wait, that's gonna be you in two seconds." BTW loosing like that even for a second, is bad, but its gets the message across and the shock factor is great!  However, just so you know, punishing your children is also a punishment for yourself! YES! Your mom was right, you will be paid back for all the times you messed with her! Ha ha! Joy!

Until the Next Scribble.......