Life teaches us lessons. When we don't pay attention, it kicks our butt. I will say, my ass has been thoroughly kicked. I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, or even a few days ago. My thoughts have changed, my feelings about things and some people have certainly changed and as sad as it may be for me, it seems like nothing will ever be the same again.
I have learned many lessons in my life and even in the last 3 years, but not one has hurt or bothered me as much as this one. Not even my divorce, and that damn near killed me. Life is determined to kick my ass and bury me, but I am either too stubborn or too dumb to just stay down. I know a lot of you are reading this wondering, what the hell she is talking about, but let me say this...I am just a girl who despite whatever is thrown at her, will stay down. I may fall, but I will get back up. I may cry, but guess what tears dry.
What does not kill you, will either make you stronger or it will break you. The choice is ours alone. No one else can make that kind of choice for you, unless you let them. I am done, and I just don't give a damn anymore. I know what in my life is important and I know what I need to remove. I will remove it in time and when I do, I will under no circumstances look back. The good thing about not be an emotional person is that I can do it. I won't regret it and I won't return to it. I know what I want, and I will get there. I will not have someone try to talk me into something I do not want, just because they think they know what is best. Guess what, the only who knows what is best for me, is me. I am angry, royally pissed off but it goes beyond that and now it is truly time to get out of my way.
On another note, I was listening to K-Love the other day and the woman was talking about what Marriage isn't and one of the things that she said hit home. (Hard). If (huge if) I ever get married this is the one thing I want to remember, Marriage is NOT an amusement park, you don't just stay for the good times and then bail when the fun is over.
Scribbles On The Wall. A Mom. 4 Children. Creating a A New Life
Monday, March 26, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Lesson Learned...
Have you ever had one of those moments where something just clicks finally. It had been staring you in the face and you never quite got it until it was made so blatantly obvious that if you didn't see it..you were just plain stupid! I got mine yesterday. I won't go into details but my eyes were certainly opened.
Here is what I learned:
1. Don't depend on anyone...you will eventually get let down
2. Learn to live on your own...because the people you thought you needed, are not really in your corner
3. When its time to let go of the dead weight, let it go...don't look back
4. No matter how much it hurts or upsets you, let it go...if you don't it will kill you
5. The only people that matter are the ones you give birth to and the rest are on their own
6. No matter what you do...what you accomplish or how you live your life....it will never be good enough for some people
It might seem harsh and it is, but if you can't depend on yourself, who can you depend on? Also, you have to depend on yourself because other people are going to let you down and your anger will eat you alive.
I don't do drugs, I don't drink, and I try to live my life appropriately. I learn from my mistakes, but that doesn't mean I won't make new ones. I am human, and contrary to popular belief I am not a bitch and I do have feelings. OK, well maybe I am a bitch sometimes, but I still have feelings. I believe what I believe and I live my life and raise my children according to those beliefs.
If you don't like, no one said you had to be apart of my life...so there is the door and please let it hit you in the ass when you walk out!
Hope all is well in your world...
Until next time...
Here is what I learned:
1. Don't depend on anyone...you will eventually get let down
2. Learn to live on your own...because the people you thought you needed, are not really in your corner
3. When its time to let go of the dead weight, let it go...don't look back
4. No matter how much it hurts or upsets you, let it go...if you don't it will kill you
5. The only people that matter are the ones you give birth to and the rest are on their own
6. No matter what you do...what you accomplish or how you live your life....it will never be good enough for some people
It might seem harsh and it is, but if you can't depend on yourself, who can you depend on? Also, you have to depend on yourself because other people are going to let you down and your anger will eat you alive.
I don't do drugs, I don't drink, and I try to live my life appropriately. I learn from my mistakes, but that doesn't mean I won't make new ones. I am human, and contrary to popular belief I am not a bitch and I do have feelings. OK, well maybe I am a bitch sometimes, but I still have feelings. I believe what I believe and I live my life and raise my children according to those beliefs.
If you don't like, no one said you had to be apart of my life...so there is the door and please let it hit you in the ass when you walk out!
Hope all is well in your world...
Until next time...
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Around the World with Chloe and Uncle Ben
Around the World with Chloe and Uncle Ben: Check out this video submission for the Ben's Beginners Cooking Contest. Vote from 9:00am PST 2/27 - 11:59pm PST 3/11 to help them win $20,000 and more. Let's get kids cooking!
Vote for Chloe. Very cute video, and a couple of pretty good looking recipes you can complete in minutes.
Until next time.....
Vote for Chloe. Very cute video, and a couple of pretty good looking recipes you can complete in minutes.
Until next time.....
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Things I miss...
One of the things I miss is living in my own home. I know that one day it will come, I just have to be patient and trust God that everything will work out the way it is suppose to. I love moving into a new home and picking out furniture and deciding on how to decorate each room. Especially the bedrooms. Every bedroom should be a place where one can relax at the end of the day. Personally I would not have a television in the bedroom, (and in my opinion no married couple should). I am on the fence as to whether kids should have one in their rooms or not. Probably not.
I miss sitting in the living room at the end of a long day and reading a book while listening to music, talking about whatever or just sitting together at the end of the day to watch a movie.
I miss my kitchen. The kitchen is the heart of the home, or should be. It's where the meals are made, the days events discussed, the days are planned (at least in my home it was)and where as a family we end the day with a meal.
I miss my jacuzzi tub. This is probably the biggest thing I miss. For many reasons.
Some days I miss being married, and others not so much. I don't miss the arguing and fights that were inevitable in the end. I don't miss having to pick up the clothes in front of the hamper and put them in...o wait, I still do that.
I don't miss trying to convince someone to go on vaction with their family and in the end giving up.
I miss building snowmen with the kids and then going into the house and drinking hot cocoa. Maybe I just need to move to the snow....then again I do not miss having to shovel the driveway. I would get married just to not have to shovel the snow.
I do miss having someone to fix things when they are broken as this is most definitely not my specialty. Usually if I try to fix something, it breaks even more. So it would be nice to have someone be able to do that for me. O and the car. I can barely check the oil in the car. So someone who can at least do that would be good to have around.
Well time to go clean and then do some school work for the week! Perhaps a maid and a nanny would be nice too (although probably not since I don't like other people taking care of my children and I would jsut go around and undo whatever the maid did wrong).
Until next time...
I miss sitting in the living room at the end of a long day and reading a book while listening to music, talking about whatever or just sitting together at the end of the day to watch a movie.
I miss my kitchen. The kitchen is the heart of the home, or should be. It's where the meals are made, the days events discussed, the days are planned (at least in my home it was)and where as a family we end the day with a meal.
I miss my jacuzzi tub. This is probably the biggest thing I miss. For many reasons.
Some days I miss being married, and others not so much. I don't miss the arguing and fights that were inevitable in the end. I don't miss having to pick up the clothes in front of the hamper and put them in...o wait, I still do that.
I don't miss trying to convince someone to go on vaction with their family and in the end giving up.
I miss building snowmen with the kids and then going into the house and drinking hot cocoa. Maybe I just need to move to the snow....then again I do not miss having to shovel the driveway. I would get married just to not have to shovel the snow.
I do miss having someone to fix things when they are broken as this is most definitely not my specialty. Usually if I try to fix something, it breaks even more. So it would be nice to have someone be able to do that for me. O and the car. I can barely check the oil in the car. So someone who can at least do that would be good to have around.
Well time to go clean and then do some school work for the week! Perhaps a maid and a nanny would be nice too (although probably not since I don't like other people taking care of my children and I would jsut go around and undo whatever the maid did wrong).
Until next time...
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Musings....
So it has been awhile since I posted. School has kept me pretty busy. As have, K, A, S and M. A is off to camp today with the Boy Scouts.
I made a couple of cards this week for friends who are having babies and realized how much I have missed scrapbooking and card-making, so it is time to start replacing the supplies my oh-so-loving-ex-husband got rid of.
Really, I try not to dwell on the past and all that he gave up for some woman who has the morals of a sneezed on Kleenex, and for the most part I do OK with it. Kids and life keep me busy. It is not so much that I even miss him. It is more that the kids miss him, or the him they remember. Not the dad that doesn't call and chews them out for missing his birthday. Sometimes it is struggle to remember the day K was born (and each of them) and how great of a dad he started out to be. It amazes me that he can put the responsibility of keeping in touch with his children on them. I always thought it was the parents job to stay in touch. My bad.
It is funny how one day you can wake up and realize that you are over someone. It may take you longer than you thought it would at first, but it happens. It may be harder than you thought it would be, but one day you realize you have actually survived and are better for it. Each day you are more stronger than the last and each week you are even more stronger.
Three years later, I am better off, for the simple fact each day I have gotten to see how my children have changed. How they have grown, and yes some days K and A can give me a run for my money, but I wouldn't trade a day in my life for one day in his easy-I-have-no-responsibilities-life. Perhaps it is not as easy as it looks, I have no idea. All I know is that without K, A, S and M I would not be the same person and even though my life would probably be much easier (not to mention quieter) I would have nothing worth fighting for and no reasons to keep getting up day after day.
He may have someone, but I have 4 someones who daily keep me surprised, irritated, laughing, and make my life 110% better.
I had visions on my wedding day as to what our lives would be like. For the most part, up until the end, it was what I had pictured. I guess one day you wake up and realize you have no idea who the person sleeping next you has become. Granted I didn't notice it right away. I was sleep-deprived and had a newborn, so I figured M's crying at night had him sleeping in his office/our living room. Even when he missed M's birth I didn't put two and two together. Who could blame him for getting coffee? Hindsight of course is 20/20 and I see things much clearer now, if not to late.
My visions for divorce did not turn out so well. The summers where the kids go see their Dad and the shared responsibility of the two of us for the 4 of them has never happened. I know it is my fault (because he has absolutely no blame in any of this. He is the Saint after all. Never done anything wrong, never made bad choices and I am the one keeping his children from him after all), but I guess I am just going to have to accept the fact that he is not going to be there for them. Weekends and vacations at Dad's house is not part of the package. I may never get a true break from my little ones, but I have them.
As bad as divorce is (and I never want to go through another one), you one day realize you are happier, better off and have more than your partner could have ever given you. The future is unwritten and the past is a chapter that is complete. The future holds so many possibilities and new experiences. So wake up and stop making life harder than it has to be...(which I am famous for).
Maybe one day I will meet someone I can make apart of our lives and keep around forever, and maybe not. The thing is I don't need someone. I am certainly not in any hurry for sure. School and kids keep me busy enough. As the song by Terri Clark says: "She didn't have time..."
I made a couple of cards this week for friends who are having babies and realized how much I have missed scrapbooking and card-making, so it is time to start replacing the supplies my oh-so-loving-ex-husband got rid of.
Really, I try not to dwell on the past and all that he gave up for some woman who has the morals of a sneezed on Kleenex, and for the most part I do OK with it. Kids and life keep me busy. It is not so much that I even miss him. It is more that the kids miss him, or the him they remember. Not the dad that doesn't call and chews them out for missing his birthday. Sometimes it is struggle to remember the day K was born (and each of them) and how great of a dad he started out to be. It amazes me that he can put the responsibility of keeping in touch with his children on them. I always thought it was the parents job to stay in touch. My bad.
It is funny how one day you can wake up and realize that you are over someone. It may take you longer than you thought it would at first, but it happens. It may be harder than you thought it would be, but one day you realize you have actually survived and are better for it. Each day you are more stronger than the last and each week you are even more stronger.
Three years later, I am better off, for the simple fact each day I have gotten to see how my children have changed. How they have grown, and yes some days K and A can give me a run for my money, but I wouldn't trade a day in my life for one day in his easy-I-have-no-responsibilities-life. Perhaps it is not as easy as it looks, I have no idea. All I know is that without K, A, S and M I would not be the same person and even though my life would probably be much easier (not to mention quieter) I would have nothing worth fighting for and no reasons to keep getting up day after day.
He may have someone, but I have 4 someones who daily keep me surprised, irritated, laughing, and make my life 110% better.
I had visions on my wedding day as to what our lives would be like. For the most part, up until the end, it was what I had pictured. I guess one day you wake up and realize you have no idea who the person sleeping next you has become. Granted I didn't notice it right away. I was sleep-deprived and had a newborn, so I figured M's crying at night had him sleeping in his office/our living room. Even when he missed M's birth I didn't put two and two together. Who could blame him for getting coffee? Hindsight of course is 20/20 and I see things much clearer now, if not to late.
My visions for divorce did not turn out so well. The summers where the kids go see their Dad and the shared responsibility of the two of us for the 4 of them has never happened. I know it is my fault (because he has absolutely no blame in any of this. He is the Saint after all. Never done anything wrong, never made bad choices and I am the one keeping his children from him after all), but I guess I am just going to have to accept the fact that he is not going to be there for them. Weekends and vacations at Dad's house is not part of the package. I may never get a true break from my little ones, but I have them.
As bad as divorce is (and I never want to go through another one), you one day realize you are happier, better off and have more than your partner could have ever given you. The future is unwritten and the past is a chapter that is complete. The future holds so many possibilities and new experiences. So wake up and stop making life harder than it has to be...(which I am famous for).
Maybe one day I will meet someone I can make apart of our lives and keep around forever, and maybe not. The thing is I don't need someone. I am certainly not in any hurry for sure. School and kids keep me busy enough. As the song by Terri Clark says: "She didn't have time..."
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Who are You?
Ever have anyone ask you who you are? What is your response? One day I stated simply, I am a mom. Apparently this was not the right answer. Mom is a title, as is daughter, sister, and wife, etc...
Who are you, is a question people do not like to delve into. It means you have to get to know yourself. Through the day to day activities that come with being a wife and mother, or even just a mother, it is so easy to loose yourself and forget that there is a whole other entity to you. Who were you before you were a wife and a mother? Before you became a single mom?
After some thought, I decided that being a mom defines me. It tells a lot about me. It means that my children are my priority. However, what about the person I used to be? The one who had hopes and dreams for her future? The one who had every aspect of her life planned out, to the tiniest detail.
I am serious person by nature. I am logical almost to a fault. However, I don't think I was always this way. Those who read this and who knew me before, maybe you can comment on it.
So here is who I am:
1. I love to read, reading is a big part of who I am
2. As is writing. I gave it up...why? Long story
3. I appear logical and serious, but I do like to have fun and even occasionally act silly.
4. I am firm in my opinions and my beliefs.
5. I will fight for what I believe in
6. I don't always like going to the gym. Some days I just want to be lazy and do nothing
7. Not very trusting
8. Sincere
9. Skeptical
I am not even sure that this sums it up, but its all I could come up with. I still love the titles that make up me: Mom, daughter, sister, friend student.
The answer to the question, "Who are you" is so much more complex than just simple answers can explain. Its all the things, titles and traits, that make us who we are. Being a mom, added a different element to who I am now. Before I was a mom, I was not missing parts of me, I just didn't have the views and opinions that change the second you hold that baby in your arms for the first time. I didn't have the responsibility of another person's life in my hands. I was carefree for sure, and I don't think I have lost that, its just been pushed aside for my children's sake who need more than a carefree mom who doesn't want to be responsible.
I love who I am now. I love who I have become. I don't regret any part of my past, because without it, I would be a whole different person than the one I have become. Even getting divorced taught me so much about myself that I would have never discovered if i had not gone through it.
So what answers do you have for who you are?
Until next time...
Who are you, is a question people do not like to delve into. It means you have to get to know yourself. Through the day to day activities that come with being a wife and mother, or even just a mother, it is so easy to loose yourself and forget that there is a whole other entity to you. Who were you before you were a wife and a mother? Before you became a single mom?
After some thought, I decided that being a mom defines me. It tells a lot about me. It means that my children are my priority. However, what about the person I used to be? The one who had hopes and dreams for her future? The one who had every aspect of her life planned out, to the tiniest detail.
I am serious person by nature. I am logical almost to a fault. However, I don't think I was always this way. Those who read this and who knew me before, maybe you can comment on it.
So here is who I am:
1. I love to read, reading is a big part of who I am
2. As is writing. I gave it up...why? Long story
3. I appear logical and serious, but I do like to have fun and even occasionally act silly.
4. I am firm in my opinions and my beliefs.
5. I will fight for what I believe in
6. I don't always like going to the gym. Some days I just want to be lazy and do nothing
7. Not very trusting
8. Sincere
9. Skeptical
I am not even sure that this sums it up, but its all I could come up with. I still love the titles that make up me: Mom, daughter, sister, friend student.
The answer to the question, "Who are you" is so much more complex than just simple answers can explain. Its all the things, titles and traits, that make us who we are. Being a mom, added a different element to who I am now. Before I was a mom, I was not missing parts of me, I just didn't have the views and opinions that change the second you hold that baby in your arms for the first time. I didn't have the responsibility of another person's life in my hands. I was carefree for sure, and I don't think I have lost that, its just been pushed aside for my children's sake who need more than a carefree mom who doesn't want to be responsible.
I love who I am now. I love who I have become. I don't regret any part of my past, because without it, I would be a whole different person than the one I have become. Even getting divorced taught me so much about myself that I would have never discovered if i had not gone through it.
So what answers do you have for who you are?
Until next time...
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