Musings....

So it has been awhile since I posted. School has kept me pretty busy. As have, K, A, S and M. A is off to camp today with the Boy Scouts.

I made a couple of cards this week for friends who are having babies and realized how much I have missed scrapbooking and card-making, so it is time to start replacing the supplies my oh-so-loving-ex-husband got rid of.

Really, I try not to dwell on the past and all that he gave up for some woman who has the morals of a sneezed on Kleenex, and for the most part I do OK with it. Kids and life keep me busy. It is not so much that I even miss him. It is more that the kids miss him, or the him they remember. Not the dad that doesn't call and chews them out for missing his birthday. Sometimes it is struggle to remember the day K was born (and each of them) and how great of a dad he started out to be. It amazes me that he can put the responsibility of keeping in touch with his children on them. I always thought it was the parents job to stay in touch. My bad.
It is funny how one day you can wake up and realize that you are over someone. It may take you longer than you thought it would at first, but it happens. It may be harder than you thought it would be, but one day you realize you have actually survived and are better for it. Each day you are more stronger than the last and each week you are even more stronger.
Three years later, I am better off, for the simple fact each day I have gotten to see how my children have changed. How they have grown, and yes some days K and A can give me a run for my money, but I wouldn't trade a day in my life for one day in his easy-I-have-no-responsibilities-life. Perhaps it is not as easy as it looks, I have no idea. All I know is that without K, A, S and M I would not be the same person and even though my life would probably be much easier (not to mention quieter) I would have nothing worth fighting for and no reasons to keep getting up day after day.
He may have someone, but I have 4 someones who daily keep me surprised, irritated, laughing, and make my life 110% better.

I had visions on my wedding day as to what our lives would be like. For the most part, up until the end, it was what I had pictured. I guess one day you wake up and realize you have no idea who the person sleeping next you has become. Granted I didn't notice it right away. I was sleep-deprived and had a newborn, so I figured M's crying at night had him sleeping in his office/our living room. Even when he missed M's birth I didn't put two and two together. Who could blame him for getting coffee? Hindsight of course is 20/20 and I see things much clearer now, if not to late.

My visions for divorce did not turn out so well. The summers where the kids go see their Dad and the shared responsibility of the two of us for the 4 of them has never happened. I know it is my fault (because he has absolutely no blame in any of this. He is the Saint after all. Never done anything wrong, never made bad choices and I am the one keeping his children from him after all), but I guess I am just going to have to accept the fact that he is not going to be there for them. Weekends and vacations at Dad's house is not part of the package. I may never get a true break from my little ones, but I have them.

As bad as divorce is (and I never want to go through another one), you one day realize you are happier, better off and have more than your partner could have ever given you. The future is unwritten and the past is a chapter that is complete. The future holds so many possibilities and new experiences. So wake up and stop making life harder than it has to be...(which I am famous for).

Maybe one day I will meet someone I can make apart of our lives and keep around forever, and maybe not. The thing is I don't need someone. I am certainly not in any hurry for sure. School and kids keep me busy enough. As the song by Terri Clark says: "She didn't have time..."